Sunday, February 14, 1999

Attendants: Eight tips for drafting a great team

By EMILY EHRENSTEIN

Scripps Howard News Service

Bridesmaids get bad press.

In "My Best Friend’s Wedding" and "Four Weddings and a Funeral," they were portrayed as primary objects of amusement for other characters.

In real life, though, choosing them is often no laughing matter. If you’re struggling with this issue, read on:

-- Size Does Matter:

Bridal parties can range anywhere from a single maid (or matron) of honor to more than a dozen attendants, but experts agree that a good rule of thumb is one usher and one corresponding bridesmaid for every 50 guests. (But this doesn’t mean you need equal numbers -- life will go on if you have uneven numbers of groomsmen and bridesmaids.) Also, a large wedding party is traditionally a sign of a formal wedding.

-- More Isn’t Always Merrier:

Speaking of size, remember that the more bridesmaids you have, the greater the potential for complications. You’ll need to get more people to agree on a dress or decide on a shower date. And if you’re on a limited budget, think about just who has to pay for all those bouquets.

-- Blood Is Thicker Than Water:

If you’re close to your sister, first cousin or future sister-in-law, the thought of not including them probably never even occurred to you. But if you suffer from a serious Jan Brady complex, the thought of asking Sis to be a bridesmaid probably ranks right up there with getting a football in the nose. Still, it’s worth it to include family members just to avoid unnecessary conflict. Just think of it as having an extra bargaining chip for when you’re battling with your mom over the guest list.

-- No Backsies:

You don’t have to ask someone to be in your wedding just because you were in hers. Don’t ask your old college roommate just to "return the favor." Weddings are no time for quid pro quo.

-- Location, Location:

What do you expect from your maids? Simple moral support or personal assistants to help address invitations and tie tiny ribbons around sachets of candied almonds? If it’s the latter, think twice about asking friends who live far away or have extremely hectic schedules. You don’t want to find yourself angry or frustrated with a friend you knew wouldn’t be able to help as much as you wanted.

-- Guys Count:

A bridesmaid doesn’t have to be a woman. If your best friend is a guy, there’s no reason he can’t be in your wedding. Today, many brides (and grooms) are including opposite-sex attendants. A man on the bride’s side is simply called an attendant or bridesman, while a woman on the groom’s side can be called a groomswoman.

-- Other Honors:

Keep in mind that there are plenty of other roles good friends can play if they don’t make the cut, such as doing a reading, handing out programs or, if she’s the next Liz Phair or he’s the next Michael Stipe, performing.

-- Spread The News:

Once you make up your mind, get the word out, stat. The only thing worse than a co-worker who thinks she’s invited to your wedding is a friend who assumes she’s a bridesmaid. If you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, remember that, as cliched as it sounds, any true friend will understand whatever decision you ultimately make.