Sunday, February 14, 1999

Re-wedding? The most-asked questions

By TRACY L. GUTH

Scripps Howard News Service

Getting remarried? Wondering how to do it right?

First, remember what feels best and most comfortable to you can’t be wrong. Then read our real world answers to the most frequently asked re-wedding questions:

Q: How do we announce our engagement?

A: If either of you has children, they should be the first to know. Then tell your parents and immediate family. Ex-spouses should hear the news if you have children together. Then fill in friends and other relatives. If you are recently widowed or divorced, you may not want to do a newspaper announcement.

Q: Do we have to tell ex-spouses?

A: If you have children with your ex, then, yes, you do. Because your new husband or wife is going to have an influence on your kids’ lives, it’s important that their other parent be aware of the situation. Otherwise, no, you’re not obligated to let the person know. But if you’re still on good terms with your ex, it’s courteous to fill him or her in.

Q: Is it appropriate to register for gifts?

A: You may already have all the home stuff you’ll ever need. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, it’s acceptable to register. But if you’re uncomfortable with it, nothing says you have to. Or you might want to consider alternative registries; wine, books, sporting equipment, or something else that you two love. You can even register for a honeymoon or a mortgage.

Q: What about a shower?

A: Again, you may not need all the home stuff that many first-time brides receive at their showers, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a get-together with your closest female friends and relatives (or a couple shower for both of you). The host(ess) may decide to give the shower a special theme. There’s cooking (guests can give their favorite cookbooks, gourmet foods, etc.), literary (books to fill out the collection everyone knows you treasure) or travel (gifts that relate to your honeymoon destination). Or she may just let everyone know that no gift is required -- and to simply prepare for a good time.

Q: Can the bride wear white?

A: This is the most-asked second-wedding question, and the answer is a resounding yes! True, white used to connote purity and virginity. But long before that it was simply the color of celebration. Or, if you like, wear a colored dress (maybe with a hint of pink, lavender, or celadon) or a nice suit instead.

Q: Can the bride wear a veil?

A: Generally, it’s still only appropriate for first-time brides to wear them. Opt for a pretty tiara or fresh flowers woven into your hair instead.

Q: Can we have attendants?

A: You definitely each need a witness to sign your marriage license -- generally that’s the maid of honor and best man -- but any two adults can do that for you. Remarrying couples usually don’t have as many attendants as some first-timers do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your closest friends, children, siblings, even your parents at your side.

Q: If I had a big, formal first wedding, should this one be small and low-key?

A: Doing it up all over again may remind you too much of that event (and the fact that the first marriage didn’t work out). You may find that a more low-key, intimate affair better fits your personality these days. But if you didn’t have a huge first wedding, don’t be afraid to do it now! If this is the first marriage for your spouse-to-be and you both want a big, formal wedding, go for it.

Q: How are the invitations worded?

A: Your parents may have paid for your first wedding, or even if they didn’t, they may have served as the hosts of the party, with names listed on the invitations. Second-time invites can be worded traditionally as well, but this time, you and your spouse-to-be may want to host your own wedding, especially if you’re paying for it. Certainly, you can include a line on your invites to honor your parents, such as:

Rebecca Baker Smith

and

Jonathan Simonsen

together with their parents

request the honor of your presence

at their marriage

etc.

Q: How can we include our kids?

A: A remarrying bride might have her son escort her down the aisle or ask her daughter to be her honor attendant; a second-time groom might choose his son as best man. Or consider having a special family moment right after you exchange your vows. Gather your children around you and have your officiant offer a blessing. Give your kids a special wedding gift during the ceremony or at some other time on wedding day.