Tuesday, January 13, 1998

Solving coaching crisis for America's Team

By WOODY WOODBURN

Scripps Howard News Service

An NFL team whose recent motto has been "A Commitment To Mediocrity" is in need of a new head coach. However, before offering some suggestions for the Dallas Cowboys, let's first take care of America's other team of underachieving outlaws, the Oakland Raiders.

Barry Switzer is the perfect choice for Al Davis. I mean, what other coach can so assuredly maintain the Raiders' recent tradition of missing the playoffs?

Now on to the Cowboys. Owner Jerry Jones has said he doesn't yet have a list of candidates to replace Switzer. Well, now he does. And here it is. He can thank me later.

Joe Bugel. Heh, heh. Just kidding.

Mr. Magoo. Play calling still will be less myopic than is has been.

John Madden. His TV deal is up and it seems like he's in town for every Cowboys game anyway.

Any scientist at the Edinburgh Roslin Institute. Could clone Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and an offensive line.

Tom Landry. The NFL trend is to recycle old coaches with losing records, so why not take a chance and recycle an old coach with a winning record?

George Clooney. Emergency measures are needed.

Dean Smith. Passed Adolph Rupp and can now go after George Halas and Don Shula.

Bobby Knight. Coaching is coaching. Will need to add six Xs and Os to his plays - and subtract about six scofflaws on offense and defense from the roster.

John Robinson. With the kind of talent the Cowboys have, Robinson could win the Rose Bowl.

Tom Osborne. Can make Cowboys Super Bowl champions even if they don't make it to the Super Bowl.

Pete Wilson. Might be very inventive with the salary cap.

Phil Jackson. Promises to be looking for a new job next year. Can bring along a high-soaring wide receiver who can catch Troy Aikman passes thrown over the goal post cross bar.

My Dad. He's always telling me he knows more about football than anyone since Paul Brown.

Emmitt Smith. Player/coach. Only drawback is he might use every single draft choice on offensive linemen.

Bob Lilly. Player/coach would bring back the Doomsday Defense.

Johnnie Cochran. A great help in keeping Cowboys in the lineup instead of in jail. Also, officials will have to take back every flag they throw against Dallas - without instant replay review there is no proof an infraction occurred. ("If it's not on tape, you must negate!") Cowboys will become the first team in history with zero penalty yards for a season.

Jimmy Johnson. "How 'bout them Dolphins!" hasn't had the same ring to it for J.J.

Don Shula. Just to get back at Jimmy Johnson.

Bill Gates. Can engineer a virtual reality Super Bowl victory.

Tony La Russa. Let's find out if he's really a genius.

Buddy. America's First Dog would be the ideal coach for America's Team owner Jerry Jones by obediently doing as told.

Davey Johnston. What the Cowboys need, especially on defense, is a skipper familiar with the importance of the Designated Hitter.

Tiger Woods. May not know much about football but the rest of the PGA Tour players would surely chip in to pay his coaching salary.

Pat Riley. Will add physical play to Cowboys.

Mike Keenan. Same as above.

Perhaps the name that makes the most sense - or, rather, nonsense - is Jerry Jones. Of course he will then have to fire himself midway through next season.

Jerry Seinfeld. Will soon be looking for a new job and may be the only person alive capable of keeping America's TV viewers laughing until their sides hurt with the weekly comedy of errors the Cowboys have provided for the past few years.

Kramer (and we don't mean former Green Bay Packer great Jerry Kramer). Will be more organized than Switzer was.

George (Seifert, not Castanza). The former Super Bowl coach of the 49ers probably makes the most sense - so rule him out.

Martha Stewart. Could really dress up the Cowboys with scraps here and there and discarded players from other teams.

Pierce Brosnan. An ideal choice because he has a license to carry a handgun.

(Woody Woodburn writes for The Ventura County Star in Ventura, Calif.)