Sunday, November 22, 1998

Hitting on Hillary: a male intern's tale

By Dale McFeatters

Nothing proved the truth of the title Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus more than the Monica Lewinsky-Linda Tripp tapes. There is no way guys would talk like that.

In the interest of gender research, here is a conversation between Mike Lewinsky, a smitten, 21-year-old White House intern, and Lennie Tripp, a mature mentor who is surreptitiously taping young Lewinsky's phone call. Tripp answers the phone with typical male phone etiquette.

"Yeah?"

"Hey. It's Mike. I finally got alone with Hillary in the Oval Office and threw the long bomb. Went right for the end zone."

"What'd you do?"

"I dropped my Dockers. I know it's not a high percentage move, but she's almost never alone. Since she's from Chicago, I wore my Bulls boxers."

"And what did she do?"

"She said if I ever did it again she would have the Secret Service gun me down, but she said she knew guys sometimes do that kind of thing and was willing to forget it. She must really like me. There's something going on between us, I know."

"Why would you think the first lady of the United States has any interest in you?"

"During the government shutdown, when they had us interns doing all the work, I brought a pizza to her office, and she gave me a real special look."

"If the pizza was your usual anchovy, pineapple and double onions, I'll bet she gave you a special look. If I were her, I would have had the Secret Service shoot you right then."

"You don't understand. Hillary is so sensitive and so special. I know she's a gourmet. But that's not why I called. I need help recovering from the flower fiasco."

"Next time you give her flowers, buy them from a real florist. Don't swipe them from a pet cemetery."

"But the card seemed so perfect: 'We love and miss you, Blondie.' Who knew she would figure Blondie was a German shepherd. Man, that chick is so sharp. I just know we're made for each other. I need to get her a gift that will make her notice me. How about this: Nothing says 'I love you' like a cordless drill?"

"I shouldn't be telling you this, but give her a copy of Leaves of Grass with a nice inscription. Her husband says it's absolute catnip with babes."

"I dunno. She's never said anything about being interested in lawn care. The White House has guys from the Park Service to do all that stuff. I'm crazy to be alone with her. Maybe when the pres is out of the country, I could invite her to one of those movies women like, you know, where all they do is talk. I could put up with that for a night or two."

"Mike, you moron, listen to me. You're young enough to be her son. You're the same age as her daughter. This is nothing but trouble. Haven't you heard of Mrs. Robinson?"

"Hey, you know Alfa-Romeo is selling the exact same car Dustin Hoffman drove in that flick. They even call it 'The Graduate.' Cool car, but give me a jacked-up, amped-up Jeep Wrangler. The Brute with the Ute, that's me. Maybe I could be her driver."

"Mike, give it up. Forget about it. This is not going to work out, no way, never."

"Lennie, you don't understand. I love Hillary. I think about her all the time. I can't go on without ... What's that noise in the background? Do you have the ball game on? No kidding! Yankees rule! What say I grab a couple of six packs and come on over?"

NOTE: These tapes were subpoenaed and later made public by special prosecutor Martha Stewart.

Scripps Howard News Service