Sunday, May 24, 1998

June advice (and beyond) from the family law bench

By Aleta Hacker

It's almost June, the season for brides and grooms. A time of anticipation and happiness.

So much planning goes into the big day. When and where to be married, whom to invite, what to wear and countless other details to make the day memorable.

Sometimes things go wrong.

It rains, or the flowers aren't just right, or a good friend can't make it.

But most things work out, and everyone is left with a wonderful memory of the wedding day.

But what about the next day and all the days after that?

Few people put as much thought and planning into the rest of their lives together, the "until death do us part" of their lives, as they put into the wedding day.

Based on today's life expectancies, a couple marrying in their mid-20s can look forward to 50 years of wedded bliss. Or can they?

At the courthouse it is always the season for ex-husbands and ex-wives.

How can this year's weddings keep from being next year's divorces?

What planning is needed for the "happily ever after" part?

Can there be happiness ever after?

I think there can be, if you have a plan. Here are some suggestions from my viewpoint on the bench of the Family Law Court.

-- Treat marriage as a journey, not a destination. Prepare for bad weather, detours, accidents, crossroads and sometimes getting lost. Be sure you and your spouse are following the same map, with your understanding of a Higher Power for a guide.

-- Sometimes lead and sometimes follow, but always stand side by side. After all, marriage is a union.

-- Ignore distractions that can make you lose your way, whether they be blondes, brunettes, redheads, blue eyes or greenbacks.

-- Listen more and talk less. You can't be listening when you're talking. Say what you mean and hear what your spouse is saying, not what you want to hear.

-- Take the long view when measuring bad habits. Don't sweat the small stuff. Sometimes just look at the forest and not the trees. Remember seasons change the color of the leaves, but the tree is the same.

-- Remember what brought you together in the first place and share those things on a regular basis.

-- Hold lightly to "stuff." Life is who we are, not what we have.

-- Remember all the good things, forget the not-so-good things.

-- Forsake all others and keep yourself for your spouse. Always, every day, in every way.

-- Settle any argument that interferes with the good-night kiss.

-- Kiss often; hug more.

-- Say "I love you" daily, but remember actions speak louder than words.

That's the "judge's dozen" rules for making marriage last. It's not an exhaustive list, but I think it covers the basics.

Breaking a rule now and then is to be expected; we're only human, after all.

And that brings up two final rules:

-- Say "I'm sorry" when you need to.

-- Be gracious in accepting apologies. Forgive and forget.

Experts say that married couples live longer, happier, healthier lives. I believe that they do -- one day at a time.

To this June's brides and grooms, "Bon Voyage!"

Aleta Hacker is judge of Taylor County's Family Law Court.