Sunday, June 21, 1998

Some fathers are there, and some fathers are not

By Aleta Hacker

Happy Father's Day. The new tie looks great, the greeting card is funny, and your favorite dinner is delicious. So settle back in your favorite chair, and let's talk ... about fathers.

In my work, I see a lot of fathers: young and old, rich and poor, fat and skinny, some with pony tails and some who are bald. But the categories that really divide them have nothing to do with age, income, size or hair. The categories have more to do with where they are.

Some fathers are always there. They hear the first cry, see the first steps, cheer the first goal and comfort the first loss. Some fathers are always there.

Some fathers are never there. They are at work, or at their own activities, or behind the newspaper, or captives of the television or computer. Some fathers are never there.

Some fathers are there, and the child wishes they weren't. They yell and fight, they drink too much and make Mom cry, they hurt their families. Some fathers are there, and the child wishes they weren't.

Some fathers do not even try to be fathers. They engage in the act of procreation but walk away from the child who is the result. Some fathers spend no time, no money, no emotion on the child they have created, and that child lives in the worst kind of poverty. Some fathers give up being fathers after going through a divorce. They find it too difficult to coordinate schedules and use calendars and get along with ex-wives, ex-in-laws, new husbands and the new dog.

Some fathers do not even try to be fathers.

Some fathers get their names on lists: troop leader list, Sunday school teacher list, car pool driver list, soccer coach list, hamburger cook list, big hug giver list, monster chaser list, child support arrearage list, no show for visits list, forgot the birthday list, can't send a Christmas card list, doesn't ever call between the weekends list. The lists go on and on. Some fathers get their names on lists.

Some fathers know the best words. They say: "I know you can, but just let me know if you need my help." And they say: "I'm proud of you because you tried." And they say: "I'll be here if you need me." And they say: "I love you." Some fathers know the best words.

Most fathers wake up early and go to bed tired. They do the thousand and one things every day that most children need and find time to do the extras that most children want. Most fathers spend their time, money, energy and emotion on their families so that the children are not poor in any way that really matters. Most fathers are the kinds of fathers that we all want them to be: good fathers.

To some fathers I say it's about time you faced your responsibilities and did the right things for your children. But to most fathers, I say congratulations and thank you and keep up the good work!

Aleta Hacker is judge of Taylor County's Family Law Court.