Saturday, November 28, 1998

Dr. Laura calls for advice with dilemma

By Rheta Grimsley Johnson

Imagine my surprise when Dr. Laura telephoned the other day and asked my advice. The conversation went something like this:

Dr. Laura: Hello, I'm a first-time caller, and I am my kid's mom. Rheta, I have a moral dilemma. And I have such total, complete respect for your opinion and decided when this came up that I would just call and ask Rheta what I should do. Shall I ask my question first, or give you a little background?

Me: Ask the question.

Dr. L.: Well, it all happened years and years ago when I had an entirely different set of moral values and was not the saint I am today ...

Me: That's not a question. And I'm not a mind reader. I don't have a crystal ball. What's your question?

Dr. L.: OK. Should I mind that people are calling me a hypocrite and worse?

Me: Are you a hypocrite?

Dr. L.: Oh, no, I'm definitely not. It's just that I posed nude for these photographs back before I became one of the nation's foremost moral authorities and author of a book about the Ten Commandments and before I started handing out unqualified, snap judgments over the radio on everything from day care to nuclear physics. Now this old geezer of a former boyfriend of mine is splashing those awful pictures of me in my birthday suit all over the Internet, and, well, it's just not fair.

Me: Boo hoo hoo. Could you stop whining, please. I hate it when women do that, start mewling about their own past mistakes and expect that pitiful, helpless act to make everything all right. Now, sit up straight and start over. Have you stopped whining?

Dr. L.: Yes, I guess so. But you don't really understand the situation, the context, the way the relationship was back then. I was naive and ...

Me: Puh-lease! Did you have a ring and a date?

Dr. L.: Well, no, but ...

Me: So you were shacked up and engaging in meaningless sexual hijinks that were no more elevated than what animals in the barnyard do. That certainly says more about you than it does about this gentleman whom you accuse of exploiting your celebrity. Is this something you do often, find someone else to blame when your own past is the problem?

Dr. L.: But, I'm not the same woman ...

Me: You didn't answer the question. Answer the question. Are you in the habit of lashing out at others when you're the one in the pictures nek-kid as the baby in the Mardi Gras cake?

Dr. L.: But my current husband, I'm so sure he'll be devastated by this, and my poor, innocent child, what will he ...

Me: I can't help you. I wish you'd called me 20, 30 years ago before you made this inexcusable mistake. Your current husband probably will leave you, and your child will be mortified and teased mercilessly by his friends at school, and it'll all be your own fault. Put your husband on the phone.

Dr. L's hubby: Hello?

Me: You sound like a reasonable, nice man. How can you stay with this woman? Have you no self-respect?

Hubby: You mean I should just leave?

Me: That sound she hears is you slamming the door. Let me talk to Laura again.

Dr. L.: Hello?

Me: And what you should do, woman, is see a shrink. I don't care what you do, so long as you quit trying to avoid accepting responsibility for your past actions, including the 10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives.

Dr. L: But, but ...

Me: The world is full of excuses, so don't "but" me. You asked for my opinion. Now go take on the day.

King Features Syndicate