Friday, July 17, 1998

Rolling in the mail but not the muck

By Joseph Spear

What's bugging the body politic? Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr, if you can believe the mailbag. And -- surprise, surprise -- there has been more pro than anti-Clinton mail. This is an amazing occurrence, given that most people who write are usually naysayers who have very nasty things to say about the president.

B.P., Loraine, Texas: It is the most helpless feeling that there's nothing we can do about the sadistic way President Clinton is treated. Even if something happened between him and Monica Lewinsky, we don't care! It is repulsive to think we could have spent what we have paid Ken Starr on spinal-cord research. When we see Christopher Reeve, it tears our hearts out.

Joe: Amen. Starr has spent upward of $40 million now, and what's the worst we will find out? That Clinton sinned and maybe fibbed about it when he was ambushed by Paula Jones' lawyers in a lawsuit that so lacked merit it was thrown out of court.

E.S., New Buffalo, Mich.: We congratulate you on your honest and informative columns on Kenneth Starr. We wish more writers would persecute him like he's persecuting our president.

Joe: You flatter me. I'd like to think I'm tormenting our Peeping Tom prosecutor, but I fear he's too busy with his $1.1 million-a-year private practice to read the Spear column.

H.H., Bradford, Pa.: You have been awarded the Monica Lewinsky award. Co-awardees are James Carville and Paul Begala. The prize is a pair of presidential knee pads. Use them in good health.

Joe: Whatever do you mean by that?

S.B., Cleburne, Texas: I am a 61-year-old woman who is sick of seeing Paula Jones, a woman who was supposed to be traumatized, yet every time you see her she is smiling and waving at the media. My biggest problem with her and Anita Hill and Kathleen Willey is WHY, if they were so traumatized, did they wait so long? And Linda Tripp -- now there is a piece of work. And Kenneth Starr -- it is about time someone took away his blank check. My final words to all of them are: GIVE IT UP AND GET A LIFE.

Joe: My sentiments exactly.

K.H., Sierra Vista, Ariz.: Your formula for the year 2000 is printed incorrectly. Metric thousand is lowercase k (degrees Kelvin is K), so the year 2000 should be Y2k, not Y2K.

Joe: I'll try to watch that.

American Citizen, Colorado Springs, Colo.: Why is it that liberal Democrats want the freedom to kill fetuses, have ungodly practices such as homosexuality, and the ability to shirk personal responsibility on almost every facet of life, yet at the same time want more government control?

Joe: You'll have to ask a liberal Democrat. Meantime, here's one for you: Why is it that right-wing Republicans say they want the government out of our lives, yet at the same time want the government to tell women what they can do with their bodies?

I.B., Darlington, S.C.: Many of us are praying for Kenneth Starr and realizing that the only way our Lord works is through His called-out instruments. Be careful, Mr. Spear, for God's Word is clear that we judge not, that we be not judged. I trust that you will take time to not only look into the mirror to see how you look on the outside, but take a good look inside the Word of God daily and see how you look within your own heart.

Joe: OK.

Anon, Springfield, Mo.: Join us in church this week!

Joe: What is this, Save Joe's Soul Week?

J.B., Salem, Ohio: You are a catfish -- all mouth and no brains.

Joe: You are a blowfish -- thickheaded and full of, er, air.

C.S., Terre Haute, Ind.: You have an IQ of about one.

Joe: Which is one point more than you.

O.K., Oklahoma City: You are full of manure.

Joe: Enough. I draw the line at rolling in the muck.

Note: Send your aspersions to me care of Newspaper Enterprise Association, 200 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10016.

Newspaper Enterprise Assn.