Saturday, April 11, 1998

God's popularity at 10-year high

By Lori Borgman / Abilene Reporter-News

What a sigh of relief God must have breathed to learn the Pew Research Center poll found 71 percent believe in Him. This was particularly welcome news, as it marked a 10-year high in God's popularity ratings.

I can only imagine how God responded when the archangel Michael presented him with a copy of The New York Times announcing the news:

"Your morning paper and a fresh cup of coffee, Lord," Michael announced.

"Thank you, Michael. It's been a long night. More violence in Africa, three domestics on Chicago's Southside and a terrible car accident on a foggy stretch of the Autobahn."

"Check Newsmakers, Father. I think You'll like it."

"Read it to me, Michael. I've got my eye on this situation in the Middle East right now and really don't want to be distracted."

"Well, it says here on B-7 that Your ratings are up across the board!"

"Probably just the typical Easter and Christmas holiday bump we always get," God said.

"Listen to this, Lord. Not only do most people believe You exist, this poll also shows they believe You can work miracles."

"Always looking for the thunder and lightning aren't they? Thumb through the rest of that paper, Michael, and see if my numbers are affecting any other numbers. Divorce rate going down? Child abuse on the wane?"

"Nothing in here to that effect," Michael answered, paging through the A section.

"How about those out-of-wedlock pregnancies? Any decline?"

"Not yet. Another nine months will tell."

"More people attending church?" God asked, turning His eye toward Sunday morning joggers stretching before a 10K run.

"No, not that I can see."

"Any stats on more people reading my book?"

"It's not on the Top 10 nonfiction," Michael said.

"Well, how about the prisons? Any decrease in crime?"

"Marginal at best," Michael said.

"What about the widows, orphans and elderly? Are they getting more personal care since more people believe in me?"

"Still using that government program called Social Security. Regular check comes in the mail."

"Regular check!" scoffed God. "A regular check isn't the same as love and time."

"You're right, Lord."

"How about the youth?" the Lord inquired.

"The Style section says most of the youth are at the mall -- buying clothes, shoes, electronics, state-of-the-art CD players and beepers."

"Hmmmmmmm," the Lord mused. "Neighborhoods and schools any safer?" He asked.

"Not exactly, Lord." Michael said. "But it says here in Business Today they're doing marvelous things with home security systems and metal detectors."

"Any increase in integrity and honesty? If my numbers are on the rise, those ratings must be on the rise, too," the Lord said, turning His gaze toward Washington, D.C.

"Nothing to that effect in the national roundup, Lord."

"Surely there's been a bump in self control, self-denial, self-discipline," God said with a hint of irritation.

"Sorry," Michael said softly.

"Just once," the Lord said wistfully, "just once, I wish a pollster would call and ask me what I believe."

"Have faith, Lord," Michael said. "Have faith."

(Lori Borgman is an Indianapolis-based free-lance writer whose column appears in the Indianapolis Star and News. Comments may be sent to her at P.O. Box 30092, Indianapolis, Ind., 46230 or via e-mail at lborgman(at)indy.net )

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