Saturday, January 31, 1998

Growing number of churches decide there's no shame in divorce

By Karen Auge / Knight-Ridder Newspapers

The call was brief, stunning and to the point.

"I hear you got yourself married," Lavon Griffin recalls an elder of his church saying to him.

Griffin, whose first marriage had ended in divorce after 25 years, told the elder that yes, he had wed again.

And 14 years later, Griffin can remember every word of the elder's response. "He said, 'We'd like to get you out of it,' and I said, 'I don't want out of it.' "

And that was it. Griffin, a Sunday school teacher and congregation leader, was out of the Dallas-area church that his mother and his grown sons attended, the church where he had worshipped for years.

Griffin had known his church's stand on divorce and remarriage. He had ended his marriage, he said, only after it became unbearable and he believed that he had no alternative.

Nevertheless, the reaction to his remarriage among the church's leaders -- men he had served with, supped with, sat beside on Sundays -- hurt.

Inflicting pain probably wasn't their intention, said Randy Thomas, former singles minister at Richland Hills Church of Christ in suburban Fort Worth, Texas. "From their perspective, they were trying to save his soul."

Since becoming Tarrant County Courthouse chaplain, Thomas has made a life focus of working with adults and children hurt by divorce.

For centuries, churches have considered the souls of the divorced, particularly those who remarry, to be in jeopardy. Many still do. And often, with the best theologic intentions, churches continue to sever ties with members at a time when those people desperately need spiritual comfort.

But now, with about half of all marriages in the United States failing, a growing number of church leaders are deciding that divorce no longer needs to be a shameful secret. And many churches are reaching out to divorced and separated members, offering them counseling, support and programs for their children.

From his office in the courthouse, Thomas runs one of those programs, which he calls NewDay.

On a chilly Saturday, Thomas and his wife, Kathy, former Richland Hills Church of Christ youth pastor Gary Williams and several other volunteers took over the classrooms and corridors of First United Methodist Church in nearby Hurst. They spent the day counseling and listening to angry people, hurt people, churchgoing people, people ordered by a judge to attend -- and children.

In one room, Kathy Thomas led a class designed to convince children that their parents' breakups are not their fault.

Kathy Thomas, who is working toward a doctorate in psychology, read a book called "Dinosaurs Divorce" to the half-dozen children sitting quietly in front of her.

Later, she asked them to color rocks, with different colors representing different emotions. There was a lot of yellow on the rocks -- yellow means fear -- and a lot of blue, which signifies anger.

She asked them to talk about their fears. She heard comments such as, "I'm afraid I'll never see my dad again" and "I'm afraid we won't have enough money."

For years, the national rate was about 1.1 million annually. That dropped to about 973,000 in 1995, according to the U.S. Bureau of the Census' Statistical Abstract.

Despite its prevalence, divorce does not mingle easily with Christian faith. Many church leaders and members are uncomfortable talking about it, uncomfortable sharing a pew with a divorced person. In some conservative churches, divorce could mean the end of a minister's career.

When he divorced 10 years ago, the Rev. Robert I. Schuller, son of televangelist Robert Schuller, "didn't feel like I was qualified to be a minister anymore," he wrote in a recently published book.

When Gil Alexander-Moegerle divorced, Focus on the Family leaders asked that he step down as founder James Dobson's co-host on the conservative Christian organization's radio show. Later, when Alexander-Moegerle remarried, he was fired.

After leaving his Dallas-area church, Griffin and his new wife visited several other churches, some of which turned them away. One told him that his church activities could include parking cars and ushering, "but they said you can't lead prayers and you can't teach," Griffin said.

Ultimately, the Griffins were welcomed at Richland Hills Church of Christ and commuted there from Dallas County for several years. Now, Griffin and his wife worship closer to home, at Central Church of Christ in Irving.

Several area churches have turned down Randy Thomas' request to conduct seminars in their classrooms and meeting areas, he said. Some can't afford the expense of turning on lights and heat on Saturdays, he said. But he said many more have told him that they are afraid such a program would attract divorced people to the church -- people who would arrive with a boatload of problems.

"Some were kind of afraid it would be like the Titanic's rowboats -- they would be swamped by so many people with so many needs," Thomas said.

Mark Thrash, minister to single adults at Fielder Road Baptist Church in Arlington, Texas, said, "That is a less and less prevalent attitude, but unfortunately, it's still out there."

Hard-liners can find plenty of scriptural backing.

In Matthew, Jesus said in his Sermon on the Mount that "anyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." And the prophet Malachi said that "God hates divorce."

In the 16th century, when the Vatican refused to grant King Henry VIII an annulment of his marriage to Katharine of Aragon, the king rebuffed the Catholic Church and formed his own denomination, the Church of England.

Relations between the divorced and the separated and their churches have improved since then. The Catholic Church stopped summarily excommunicating divorced and remarried members in 1977, although those who are divorced cannot take Communion or receive absolution unless they get an annulment.

Many Catholic churches have devised innovative programs to help divorced members. New Beginning, which was developed at St. John the Apostle Catholic Church in North Richland Hills, has become a nationwide model, said Sandra Leighton of the Diocese of Fort Worth.

At his church, Thrash periodically leads a 13-week program designed to help youngsters work through their feelings of loss and anger. The most recent session attracted 25 children.

Thrash estimates that 30 percent of the about 300 people who participate in his church's singles ministry each week are divorced. He can't estimate how many of the church's 2,600 members are in that category.

"Some of the greatest people in our church are single and single-again people," Thrash said. Rejecting them, he said, would mean "we'd lose a whole segment of society. We just can't cast them out. That's not what the Lord would want us to do."

Griffin and Jeff Hood, Central Church of Christ's family life minister and a certified marriage and family therapist, share that view.

The two attended Thomas' NewDay presentation at First United Methodist Church in Hurst because they hope to start a similar ministry for their congregation.

"My wife and I have both been divorced, and we know what it is to go through a time when your whole world is turned upside down," Hood said. "We were able to go through that with family and church being supportive." He wants to make sure that others going through divorce have the same church support.

Griffin is committed to participating.

"I don't want other people to be hurt like I was," he said.

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(c) 1998, Fort Worth Star-Telegram

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