Saturday, November 14, 1998

Churchgoing hypocrites grumble about interracial dating

By Ken Garfield

Knight Ridder Newspapers

The issue is interracial dating, and the question is this: How many hypocrites are out there, preaching one thing about all of us being God's children yet practicing the other when no one is looking?

Someone mentioned to me the other day that some members of his church are grumbling because the pastor's daughter is dating a black youth. She brought the young man to worship on Sunday morning, giving some folks something to complain about while they waited in the cafeteria line afterward.

The news struck a nerve in me, partly because this church says it's on the forefront of efforts to promote racial equality in the community. I've written several stories about the congregation reaching out to their black brothers and sisters through this program or that. Talk to someone who goes there for 10 minutes and they'll brag how brotherhood is one of the planks on which the church is built.

So how could anyone there be upset because the pastor's family is living out a principle many of us say we stand for?

The pastor is asking himself a similar question: Why are some people mad because his family and his daughter choose to see the content of a young man's character and not the color of his skin?

The pastor and I talked about it in his office the other day. He told me that he and his wife like the young man that his daughter is dating. He's a good kid from a good family.

His daughter got to know him in a group situation first, where a teen-ager can learn about someone of the opposite sex without all the confusion and tension that arises from a dating situation. They talked for hours very early in the relationship. She liked the way he treats his mom with respect. She likes the way he treats her with respect.

The pastor has counseled his daughter that she might wind up marrying someone she dates, so kids need to be careful when they start relationships. He also told the congregation's lay leaders that his daughter is dating a black youth so they could be prepared for the whispers and grumbling. All that said and done, however, the pastor and his family have welcomed the young man into their home and into their church. And they've done so with affection.

But it's not the pastor and his family that I'm wondering about.

It's the people who are grumbling that I can't get off my mind. It's the fear that comes with knowing there are a lot more of them out there -- people who surrender to their prejudice the moment they are challenged to do the right thing. It's the anger that comes in realizing some people chicken out the moment a difficult situation knocks on their door -- the moment their child brings home a date of another color.

I have two teen-agers at home. I realize how difficult it is to date in any situation -- both for the kids out there in the world, and the parents who sit at home praying that their child finds love with the right person. I also know how much harder it becomes in an interracial situation, in a society where some are still bothered by even the thought of a black and a white holding hands at the movies.

But you know what?

I don't care what other people think, especially hypocrites.

If that pastor's daughter wants to date a black kid, I say "God bless them both." And God bless their families for sticking by them.

And if either one of my kids introduces me to a black youth some Friday night before heading out on the town?

I'll meet him or her at the front door, hold out my hand and say, "Welcome to my home. Please come in."

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(Ken Garfield is the religion editor at The Charlotte Observer. Write to him at: The Charlotte Observer, 600 S. Tryon St., Charlotte, NC 28232.)

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