Saturday, June 20, 1998

Baptist position on submission may not help families

By Mary Ann Lindley / Knight Ridder Newspapers

I grew up in a home where my mother, a Baptist, graciously submitted to becoming a Presbyterian when she married my father. So I suppose I should be of mixed emotions about the Southern Baptist Convention's new declaration of a meeker role for married women.

This, in the Age of Viagra, packs quite a wallop.

But I have lived in the South long enough to be more heavily influenced and impressed by the regional theology. The one you see on refrigerator magnets and hand-painted plaques at country fairs: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

This satisfying and time-tested philosophy coincides, by the way, with a recent sociological survey showing that the happiest married man is the one who generally takes his wife's advice.

I mentioned this report to my husband, who does not haul around a lot of ideological baggage, and about 15 minutes later -- at halftime of the NBA Finals -- he muttered "Yes, dear" to show what a good sport he is. At our house, I consider this progress.

But I am at a loss as to whether the Baptists can realistically put the genie back in the bottle by amending their statement of beliefs to declare that a woman should "submit herself graciously" to her husband's leadership and a husband should "provide for, protect and lead his family."

This really is a breathtaking proclamation in this day and age, and I'd bet that it stands no more chance of catching on widely than the ban against dancing.

But it does make the Baptist Convention seem as radical in the late '90s as Gloria Steinem and her gang did in the early '70s, when they advocated the reverse: that women should stop graciously deferring and start thinking for themselves.

I do respect the Baptists' sincerity and admire them for not mincing words. To be this upfront on the politically sensitive issue of gender roles -- and not indulge in language so excruciatingly correct that it can't be trusted or understood -- is a nice change of pace.

But putting this "Whoa, Nellie!" position on the table will send a lot of households into an uproar, Baptist or not. Sleep will be lost. The language of the '70s feminists made everybody squirm for a good 10 years. Now the Baptists' turning away from egalitarianism in marriage -- which has been embraced by other religions, including Catholics -- will increase many feminists' will to live.

In the South, I take comfort in knowing that women here long ago figured out how to both graciously defer and think for themselves. Call them Steel Magnolias, the Blue Rinse Mafia or Grandmas who Rule the Roost: These strong women wrote the book on how to make relationships hum through intelligence, resourcefulness, wit and charm.

Maybe the Baptists just wanted to get the spotlight turned back to religion, and the only way they knew was to say something so provocative that not even the White House could ignore it. (In fact, White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry merrily reported that the staff was just waiting for Baptist Bill Clinton to tell the first lady about the new rule.)

But I doubt many of us can ignore the Baptist challenge. We know about the odds of marriages lasting these days. We are aware of the tensions that exist even in families that cobble together day-to-day arrangements that keep the peace. We know that, as an institution, the American family is fragile.

But I can't get out of my mind three conversations I've had this month of June, this month of marriage. Two friends have told me their wives are leaving them after long marriages, and neither man had a clue. Another friend confessed that her 35-year marriage has been painfully empty for decades, but that she has carved out a corner for herself and just hangs on.

The fact is that all these women played traditional roles as wives, mothers and homemakers who graciously submitted to their husbands, suppressed their own needs, dismissed their own dreams and finally confronted an unhappiness too deep to deny.

God help me, I can't see how playing that role did them or their husbands any good at all.

(Mary Ann Lindley is a columnist at the Tallahassee Democrat. Write to her at the Tallahassee Democrat, P.O. Box 990. Tallahassee, FL 32302-0990. She also can be reached at Malindle(at)aol.com)

(c) 1998, Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, Fla.).

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