Saturday, November 21, 1998

As century nears close, talk turns to the rapture

By Clark Morphew

Knight Ridder Newspapers

It is absolutely astounding how fearful some people are becoming about the millennium -- and the possibility of the end of human existence.

A person can hardly read a Christian magazine without running across ads for a new book about the end of time. The authors are all so sure that the year 2000 will bring about a cataclysmic event -- namely, the return of Christ, who will gather all true Christians and take them to heaven.

You can find a million theories on how it will happen, including the premillennialists and postmillennialists, for instance. Some believe a great tribulation will occur after Jesus rides in and rounds up all the true believers into that great corral up in the sky. Others refute it.

Not one of these theories is the sure thing.

These authors, some of them preachers, sit brooding in their studies, trembling over the coming events. Some know fear sells well, and if they present enough scary stuff, their congregations will start giving more money.

I'm attracted to the idea of the rapture, that magical moment when Jesus appears in the sky and sweeps up people into heaven. Now, this is a part of scripture -- so we should not appear to mock the magical moment -- but I sure hope I'm still around when it happens.

Imagine a vehicle with a carload of passengers zooming along a busy interstate. Two of those people rise with Christ into heaven, two remain in the car. Imagine the terror inside that car if the driver gets taken up. It could happen. We could have monumental traffic jams.

Or picture this: A husband sits in the kitchen watching a television program, while his wife relaxes in the living room watching another. Suddenly, the husband rises through the roof, gone with Jesus. The wife wanders around the next day, saying "I wonder where he went?"

If you think books on "the end" are all over the place, check out the Internet.

One preacher on the Web gives a whole list of "abominations" -- such as hating someone too much -- as reasons why some people will be saved and others won't when Christ returns. Another of his abominations is homosexuality. You knew that one would come up, didn't you?

How much hate is too much?

If I hate someone just a little, such as not speaking to him or her when I meet them in the hallway, is that all right? Or do I have to go to that person, as it says in the Bible's book of Matthew, and ask forgiveness or tell him or her I forgive them?

Most of the people I dislike aren't worth that much effort. But, wow, I want to fly up to heaven with Christ, so I better start talking to those people I dislike. I'll start with a vague admission of guilt. If that doesn't work, then I'll do a full-blown confession.

What are we to think of Jesus appearing in the sky and gathering the true believers in an instant? I mean, isn't that going to cause a lot of people consternation?

A woman hanging clothes in the back yard sees a big shadow obliterating the sun. She looks to the sky and sees Jesus just hanging like an acrobat on a wire. She looks at Him for a moment, exclaims, then runs into the house to call Marge, the neighbor.

I searched the Internet for Web sites devoted to the end of time. I found 15,277 pages. One site says that during the worst, final days, earthquakes will lower every mountain and raise every valley. Islands will be moved, and 100-pound hailstones will batter sinners. Can you imagine being hit by a gigantic hailstone?

Hear what I'm saying?

Another preacher on the Internet says that voodoo was responsible for getting Bill Clinton elected president. His proof? The defense department named its new stealth bomber "blackbird" and any fool knows that's a common symbol of voodoo.

Makes sense to me.

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(Clark Morphew is an ordained clergyman and is religion writer for the Saint Paul Pioneer Press. Write to him at the Saint Paul Pioneer Press, 345 Cedar St., St. Paul MN 55101.)

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(c) 1998, Saint Paul Pioneer Press (St. Paul, Minn.).

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