Saturday, January 17, 1998

A look at the future of human cloning

By Tom Schaefer / Knight-Ridder Newspapers

It's several years into the 21st century. Sam and Chris have decided that Adam, their "perfect" 7-year-old son, needs a brother exactly like him with a few modifications.

The parents visit Dr. Seedy's Human Cloning Lab to place their order.

Sam: We've filled out all the forms, and we're ready to proceed.

Chris: We're so excited about getting a match for our son, Adam. We didn't want to take a chance that Mother Nature might misfire. She can be so unpredictable.

Dr. Seedy: Well, your paperwork seems in order. We just need to finalize some of the specifics. Under "Human Disorders to Be Deleted" you've checked gluttony, greed, sloth, envy and pride.

Sam: And if we're limited on the number of choices, we definitely want gluttony on the deletion list. The last thing we want is a kid looking like Estelle's and Ed's. I'd be amazed if Chuckie's an ounce under 90 pounds.

Chris: And trying to keep an eye on Adam when he's with Chuckie wears me out. You never know when the snack-time alarm will go off in Chuckie's head and Ding Dongs suddenly appear out of nowhere.

Dr. Seedy: No problem. We can keep your child svelte into his 50s. It's just a matter of mixing the right ingredients in the petri dish.

Chris: Sweetheart, I thought we agreed that pride is an important quality for our child to have. You have it under the "delete" column on the form.

Sam: Honey, when I say pride, think of Larry and Darla's kid. Do you want our child acting as if he's God's gift to the human race?

Chris: I understand, dear, but we also don't want a child with a fragile ego like Felicia, Ted and Alice's 10-year-old. Even after she went to computer camp last summer, she still couldn't program her 486DX2-66. Ted and Alice were devastated and so was Felicia.

Sam: But that's not a lack of pride, dearest, that's pure ignorance. And with my genes, our child will have plenty of gray matter.

Chris: I just hope he doesn't have your lack of self-control.

Sam: Now hold on. I may get overly excited at times, but I'm never out of control.

Chris: Of course not, love of my life. The door to the china closet simply shattered on its own yesterday when you slammed the back door.

Dr. Seedy: Please, please. Can we stay focused on the matter at hand? You've requested a healthy dose of self-reliance for your cloned child, but you also want to include a smidgen of altruism.

Sam: Right. We don't want our child to forget the less fortunate of the world.

Dr. Seedy: Hmmm. A mixture of two parts Ted Turner with one part Mother Teresa should do the trick.

Chris: Just as long as he doesn't have a grating Southern drawl.

Sam: Or a compelling drive to live in the slums of India.

Dr. Seedy: I'll do my best.

Chris: Excuse me? You'll do your best? Your advertisement guarantees results. We will be given what we've asked for, won't we?

Dr. Seedy: Well, yes, but ...

Sam: There are no "buts" to this agreement, pal. That's why we came to you: to ensure that we'll get a perfect child.

Chris: And I have your ad with me. It says right here: "If you're not 100 percent satisfied with your purchase, return the cloned product within a 10-year period for a complete refund. (Refund does not include expenses incurred from day of delivery till day of return.)"

Sam: The fine print also says: "Product guaranteed to perform as requested, though the purity of each quality requested may vary."

Chris: Hey, what's going on here? Is this some kind of bait-and-switch scam? Do you attract hapless couples who think you'll give them just what they want in a child and instead hand over a brat they could have created on their own? Is that it?

Dr. Seedy: Now, look. There are no absolute guarantees in this world. I can promise you a kid that you've asked for -- blond hair, blue eyes, math and business skills that lean toward a career in high finance, and the propensity not to have such negative qualities as gluttony, envy, sloth and anger -- but you'll still encounter unforeseen factors that will affect your child's development.

Chris: Unforeseen factors? That's why we're here -- to factor out those unforeseen factors!

Dr. Seedy: Listen. If you don't like the stipulations of the contract, you can cancel it right now. I have plenty of other customers in the waiting room.

Sam: This is unbelievable! You come in to a cloning lab, expecting to deal with high-minded professionals, and instead you get the equivalent of a shady used-car salesman. I have a mind to report you to the Federal Ethics Commission for Reputable Cloning.

Chris: Let's get out of here, dear.

(Both leave the office.)

Sam: Thank goodness there are plenty of other labs in the area.

Chris: Yeah. And hopefully they don't have scientists who think they're God Almighty.

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(Tom Schaefer writes about religion and ethics for the Wichita (Kan.) Eagle. Write to him at the Wichita Eagle, P.O. Box 820, Wichita, KS 67201, or send e-mail to tschaefer(at)wichitaeagle.com )

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(c) 1998, The Wichita Eagle (Wichita, Kan.).

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