Saturday, February 21, 1998

Family, clergy can help those facing death

By Tom Schaefer / Knight Ridder Newspapers

The love of family and the support of clergy can brighten the shadows for those facing death.

That's one conclusion I've reached after hearing from dozens of readers who responded to my questions: Do clergy provide needed help when someone is dying? And who was most comforting and how was that person helpful? The questions were in reaction to a Gallup Poll that reported only 36 percent of those surveyed found members of the clergy to be comforting at such a time.

Last week, many readers recounted instances when clergy members were unhelpful or downright insensitive, though the majority praised ministers and priests for their efforts at such a crucial moment.

But what did clergy members say about their own ministry to the dying? What have they learned, and what has helped them to be better ministers to others?

Several mentioned their inadequacies. "How can you explain to a young mother with three small children that her husband who has died unexpectedly is better off?" asked one minister. Another insisted that a theology of caring should not be limited to the clergy.

"Our culture has assumed the minister's role of being ... the jack of all trades for every sort of person that comes to the church," he said. The reality is, he added, everyone in the church has that responsibility.

While caring for those in need is important, keeping a balance between a "professional" and an "unapproachable" distance is vital, said Ron Keith, chaplain with Hospice of Wichita.

Too much distance, he said, will prevent a minister from offering comfort; too little involves the minister in the family's grieving and impedes ministry to the dying and their families.

"I find as a clergy person/chaplain, I need to be aware of the timing for me to move back and give family the space and place they need," he said. "It is essential for me to step back and observe what is happening and why it is happening."

Other clergy members said they have learned important lessons that have enabled them to be better pastors to people they serve.

The Rev. Thomas Shane has worked as chaplain in hospitals and with law enforcement agencies in Kansas since 1968. He also has taught a course on death and dying and recently has written a book, "When Life Meets Death: Stories of Death and Dying, Truth and Courage" (Haworth Press, 1998).

"Too many clergy hide behind the fundamental truths of their faith tradition and use these beliefs to avoid the dreadful encounter with the dying patient himself," he said. Instead, dying is a time to listen to the bereaved, he said, and to recognize personal vulnerability.

"It is to experience the truth that in the moment of grief we are all more united with each other in our sorrow than we are ever separated by anything else in life," he said. "Perhaps that is grief's final but bizarre gift.."

The Rev. Rick McNary of First Christian Church in Potwin, Kan., described five characteristics of a caring ministry that have helped him in serving others.

1. Empathy. "I try to remember the mournful ache when I lost my father, or the paralyzing fear I had when my child almost died," he said. "Instead of saying, 'I know how you feel' (a comment I never make), I simply tell them I'm sorry. That goes a long way."

2. Do my homework. With each funeral, McNary said, he spends time with the family asking them about their favorite memory of the deceased person, or what was the best thing the person ever did for them.

"I have found those simple questions open the floodgates and give the family permission to laugh, cry and even share the not-so-good qualities of the deceased," he said. "I then weave as many of those memories as I can into the fabric of my message."

3. Avoid cliches and easy answers. McNary says he avoids comments such as "God needed another angel." And attempts to answer the "why" questions, he said, often are "painfully empty."

4. Be honest. Sometimes harsh events cannot be whitewashed with positive words. After a young man killed himself, blaming everyone else for his troubles, McNary said he told the mourners that the decision to commit suicide was the deceased person's alone. Those who mourned were not responsible. Loved ones thanked him for helping them through their guilt, he said.

5. Realize I represent God. McNary says he sometimes feels "like a customer service rep for the Heavenly Corporation," responding to people's anger, grievances and feelings of distress. "I have heard tirades directed at God but with my name in his place."

McNary says he never makes "the judgment call over the eternal destination of the deceased. Mine is to offer hope, and that I do regardless of how big a stinker the person was. And I've buried some pretty questionable calls!"

Even though some clergy are uncertain about heaven, McNary says, he speaks of it, "not in great gushing detail, but in the reality that death is not a period at the end of life's sentence, but a comma transitioning us to a better beyond. Seems to me that's what Jesus taught. And the hope of reunion makes the pillow of the grieving somewhat drier."

Sound advice -- from clergy and laypeople alike.

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(Tom Schaefer writes about religion and ethics for the Wichita (Kan.) Eagle. Write to him at the Wichita Eagle, P.O. Box 820, Wichita, KS 67201, or send e-mail to tschaefer(at)wichitaeagle.com )

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(c) 1998, The Wichita Eagle (Wichita, Kan.).

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