Saturday, May 16, 1998

Take Dr. Spock's advice on instilling values

By Tom Schaefer / Knight Ridder Newspapers

Dr. Benjamin Spock raised a whole generation of children. Well, he may not have been in the nursery changing all the diapers, but his views on child-rearing, popularized in his best-seller "Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care," influenced countless post-World War II moms and dads.

Soon after Spock's death in March, Joel Joseph, chairman of the Made in the USA Foundation, wrote an article for Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service in tribute to him.

Joseph recounted how he had worked with Spock on his last book ("A Better World for Our Children: Rebuilding America's Family Values"). The two had become close because Joseph was going through a family crisis (he was becoming custodial parent of his three young sons).

In this time of disrupted and dysfunctional families, Joseph encouraged Spock to list his goals for family solidarity. Joseph said the list they compiled is stuck to his refrigerator door "to remind me daily about what really matters."

So, in this time right after Mother's Day -- and several weeks before Father's Day -- consider how you might instill in your family values championed by Spock and Joseph. While the list that follows is somewhat abbreviated from the original, I heartily endorse each point -- and add one of my own.

1. Eat together as a family. Have at least one meal a day together -- with the television turned off and the phone ignored. This should be a special time for families. As Diane Ross Glazer, a family therapist from California, said in Aspire: "When families, fragmented by life, come together and share diverse days over a meal, the diversity becomes enriching."

2. Establish a regular family meeting. Set a time during the week when family members meet to talk about what's going on in their lives, to plan events and to share concerns. I would add one more item: Each person should recount one positive thing that happened to him or her that day.

3. Have a quiet time. Set aside time when the house will be quiet. It may be used for reading or resting, thinking or praying. We're created for times of rest, and those include more than the obligatory bedtime hours.

4. Give time back to your community. Plan to devote some time -- and your skills -- to help others. It may be through your church or some other non-profit group. As children are old enough and able, involve them in the effort. It sets a pattern that says life is about more than selfish pursuits.

5. Participate in school. Get involved in your children's classes and other school-related organizations and activities. You say you have no kids, or yours are already grown? Consider tutoring a child or helping children through established organizations. It's a way to give back to others who need the help.

6. Spend time in family recreation. Have fun together as a family -- and it doesn't have to be at an amusement park or an exotic vacation spot. Go bicycling, hiking or nature walking, or play badminton in the back yard. The memories you create will last a lifetime.

7. Make or build things together. Do you sew or make handicrafts? Is a love of cooking something you can share? Don't worry about perfection. Encourage participation, and praise effort.

8. Limit the amount of time watching television. Turn off the TV, even if only for a couple of hours. Discover a world that doesn't depend on the narcotic of watching a flickering screen. And, moms and dads, what applies to your children applies to you.

9. Stay involved. If there is a cause you're deeply committed to, share those beliefs with your family. Participate in groups that further your cause, write letters to your newspaper or other appropriate outlets or organizations, and vote regularly. Show what good citizenship is all about. And I'll offer a final goal that comes from me, not from Spock or Joseph:

10. Acknowledge a higher power. Attend your church, synagogue or other religious group, passing on your beliefs and values to your children. The fallacy of allowing children to choose those beliefs when they're older, ignoring their need when younger, is just that, fallacious. You set a standard now, whether you know it or not. Let them understand the role of faith in your life, and teach them the intrinsic worth -- the divine spark -- in all.

Although Dr. Spock was criticized, often unjustly, for encouraging permissive child rearing, the truth is he brought a lot of common sense to caring for children.

If more people would follow his advice, especially these last goals he created with Joseph, there would be fewer disrupted and dysfunctional families -- and more parents and children tuned in to what really matters in life.

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(Tom Schaefer writes about religion and ethics for the Wichita (Kan.) Eagle. Write to him at the Wichita Eagle, P.O. Box 820, Wichita, KS 67201, or send e-mail to tschaefer(at)wichitaeagle.com )

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(c) 1998, The Wichita Eagle (Wichita, Kan.).

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