Sunday, August 16, 1998

Congregations face Summer Slump

By Tom Schaefer

Knight Ridder Newspapers

Ministers are most familiar with this seasonal disease. It's not fatal, and it won't cause permanent disability.

Signs of an outbreak begin in June, intensify in July and reach their peak in August.

Fortunately, symptoms of the disease are easy to spot -- half-empty pews on Sunday mornings and Sunday schools with fewer children than are at a retirement center.

The disease, as you probably know by now, is called The Summer Slump. And while the ultimate cure is the start of a church's fall programs, no one has found a successful treatment.

Until now.

After exhaustive research and one bad night of insomnia, I have come up with some potential treatments that just might provide an antidote.

Granted, each of these treatments could be risky. I haven't done all the FDA-, EPA- and KJV-approved tests to see if they're safe. But what have you got to lose? Nothing else has stopped the spread of this disease.

So, here's your chance to be on the cutting edge, a pioneer in the discovery of a much-needed cure.

One caveat: I accept no responsibility should any one of the 10 prescriptions fail. (Of course if any one of them works, I claim all credit - and subsequent publishing rights.)

With that, I give you 10 breakthrough treatments that just might conquer the dreaded church disease: The Summer Slump:

1. Service should begin at the front door. I'm referring to free valet parking. Vacuuming each car's interior could have members coming back Sunday after Sunday.

2. Sunday brunches are offered at many restaurants. Why not at your church in the dell? And for the non-Baptist crowd, make it a champagne brunch.

3. Who wants to sit on wooden pews on a hot Sunday morning? Arrange Barcaloungers near the front of the sanctuary for the first 25 people at the morning service. They'll be lining up to get in.

4. Let's have a time-out on the Bach chorales and the Gregorian chants. Warm up the congregation with some choir performances of "Ain't Misbehavin'" or "Going My Way." Choreography is optional.

5. Can you name that tune in three notes? With the promise of some fun prizes, your organist will have people jumping out of their seats when the game gets started.

6. Face it, preacher. Although your words may be inspired, your congregation needs a breather from extended homilies. To assure them they won't be nodding off -- and they'll still have time for some Sunday recreation -- post the following sign on the pulpit: "Trapdoor under preacher automatically will be activated if sermon is longer than 5 minutes."

7. Lottery fever may be "sinful," but who could resist a free drawing for half the morning's collection plate contents? Just remind everyone of the Bible passage: "Give and it will be given unto you" (Luke 6:38).

8. Summer is not the time to have long worship services. To keep that from happening, introduce The Ultimate Ushers -- with bombastic fanfare. In their World Wrestling Federation attire, they'll keep track of time and bring the morning service to a swift and colorful conclusion. Thirty minutes, tops.

9. It's such a shame for the baptistry to be unused. Announce free swimming after the service. You'll be happily surprised by all the kids who show up.

10. If all else fails, don't forget your ace in the hole. Announce a grand-prize drawing for one excused absence from the fall's Stewardship Sunday pledge drive. You may have to set up extra seating.

There you have it. Any one of these treatments could conquer the debilitating effects of the annual Summer Slump at your church.

I'll bet you're feeling better already.

(Tom Schaefer writes about religion and ethics for the Wichita (Kan.) Eagle. Write to him at the Wichita Eagle, P.O. Box 820, Wichita, KS 67201, or send e-mail to tschaefer(at)wichitaeagle.com )

(c) 1998, The Wichita Eagle (Wichita, Kan.).

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