Saturday, February 14, 1998

On Valentine's Day, soul friends share a passion for the spirit

By PYTHIA PEAY / Religion News Service

Shimmering with the seductive gossamer of romance, Valentine's Day celebrates sweethearts everywhere.

Long-stemmed roses, extravagant boxes of chocolate truffles, vermillion cards inscribed with flowery endearments, and lacy, racy gifts are among the tokens of intimate affection that will be exchanged among lovestruck couples today.

But what of the lonely hearts who have yet to meet their fated other half? Or long-married couples for whom such enchantment is but a faded memory? For them, it is worth asking whether there are other kinds of intimate relationships equal to romantic passion.

Aristotle, for example, distinguished between "eros," or fleeting passion, and "philia," or friendship of a more enduring nature. Indeed, several contemporary thinkers agree, giddy infatuation may excite the body and intoxicate the senses but a relationship based on the deeper side of life Ñ whether between lovers or close companions Ñ awakens the spirit and transcends problems in a way romantic passion rarely achieves.

According to Jan Clanton Collins, a Jungian analyst who teaches anthropology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, friends who are steadfast companions on the spiritual pilgrimage "are a grace that make the journey worthwhile. Just to know that they (friends) are in the world and that we are not alone gives us courage to go on."

Describing her own years-long relationship with two close women-friends who share her spiritual quest, Collins said, "We feel as if we have known each other for centuries, as if we picked up a conversation that we had already been having. In their presence I can totally relax and be myself."

Nancy Kadian, a 48-year-old psychotherapist who lives in Chevy Chase, Md., describes a similar connection to her best friend, Claudette.

"She's been a soul sister since I first laid eyes on her at 13. It felt so deep, as if we came into this world knowing each other," she said.

There is a Celtic phrase for such profound kinship, said Irish Catholic scholar John O'Donohue: " Ôanam cara,' or soul friend."

The author of a book by the same name, "Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom" (HarperCollins), O'Donohue said such instantaneous connections are rooted in "an ancient recognition" between two souls.

Once such a link is forged, he said, "no outside force in space or time can diminish or break it. There is commitment, affection, a sense of destiny and a sense of the divine."

Looking back over his own life, O'Donohue recalled that during times of great difficulty and significant moments of transition, he "wouldn't have made it without the supportive healing of deep friendships."

Part of the role of one's anam cara, he said, "is to see for you in places where you're blind. There is a secret destiny in every friendship that awakens the hidden possibilities asleep in people's hearts. Thus, part of the magic of anam cara is that the human psyche is given to each individual, but it remains relatively unborn Ñ friendship helps you to birth yourself."

Collins concurs, saying one of the markers of a genuine soul friendship is the "sense of looking into a mirror that reflects something of our soul back to us." For though such bonds may include the usual gossip and events of daily life, they are centered in the search of deeper meaning.

"We talk about God all the time," Kadian said of her own deep bond with her woman friend. "I can talk to Claudette about God the way I can't with anybody else. It's so private and intimate, it would be embarrassing with someone who didn't know me the way she does."

If soul friendships help to deepen faith and endure hardships, spiritual sharing between partners may be the alchemy that makes romantic love last, transforming the dross of an ordinary relationship into a golden bond that endures forever.

The problem, said Mark Waldman, a Los Angeles psychotherapist who works with many couples, is that "over and over again, I find that most couples don't talk to each other" about their spiritual values.

Since the beginning of time, said Waldman, who is the editor of "Staying Together: Embracing Love, Intimacy and Spirit" (Tarcher), men and women "tend to pick mates based on how they look: what they see and sense and smell. This is not conscious; it's biological, about making babies and surviving."

However much rooted in the natural order of things these magnetic attractions may be, Waldman added, eventually "the chemistry wears off."

Then, he said, couples are faced with building a meaningful relationship, "as chemical attractions blind us to the types of questions and issues that are necessary to form long-term relationships."

Such serious problems could be prevented, Waldman believes, if couples would inquire from the first about each others' values and beliefs.

"If two people consciously explored their spiritual beliefs and yearnings with each other on the first, second or third date Ñ one's innermost feelings, the world and what gives life meaning Ñ then the type of relationship that would open up would be more intimate and honest than if it was based on physical attraction," he said.

Weaving spirituality into the dating ritual is especially important today, said Waldman, because we live in a society "where people change churches and religions rather rapidly, and where each individual has quietly formed their own spiritual orientation. It's not like it used to be, when a person usually married someone from the same religious background."

Making soul friendship the basis for a love relationship, however, does not stop with sorting through initial differences, but requires a commitment to a process that deepens over time.

"Every time you ask your partner what they spiritually believe in," said Waldman, "the answer is going to be somewhat different, as we evolve, as our life experiences change. Most of us don't realize that if we don't continually share our journey with the people we love we'll continue to repeat the spirituality of an 8- or 10-year-old."