Thursday, August 21, 1997

Coping with an office complainer

By DONNA COBBLE / Scripps Howard News Service

Q: What can I do to discourage a co-worker who is constantly dragging me into various disagreements she has with other employees. I don't wish to be caught in this position because it makes me uncomfortable and keeps me from my own work. I've often asked myself why she has designated me as the person to whom she shares her complaints. My only conclusion is that I am quiet and known for my ability to get along with everyone, so perhaps I seem like an easy target! Are there any responses I can give to discourage her and cause her to see that her actions could hurt another individual?

A: The next time she approaches you with a complaint, ask if she has expressed her feelings to that person directly. If the answer is no (which it probably will be), warn her of the problems associated with dishonesty in relationships and encourage her to work it out quietly without involving anyone else. If she indicates that she already has told the other person, ask what she needs from you specifically to help the two of them work it out. If she is unable to give you ways in which you can help, simply indicate that you will leave it to the two of them to work out with each other.

Another approach would be to ask the complainer if you have her permission to share the negative feelings with the other person. If she says "yes", then ask her to go with you and do the talking, but promise your support to both parties. Make sure she understands that agreeing to go with her doesn't indicate agreement with the complaint. You are neutral in the situation. Should she say "no," immediately say, "Please stop telling me about your problems with her. We all work together and I don't want anything to compromise my working relationships."

Personality clashes are common in the workplace and your desire to help is commendable. But do be careful that others don't take advantage of your positive outlook.

Q: A friend who works in a small office recently mentioned that office was thinking of hiring a part-time person to help them out during lunch and other busy times. She thought I might be interested since my youngest child is starting school. I asked several questions about hours, duties and qualifications, all of which were answered vaguely. I brought it up a few days later and she said to let her know if I was interested, but she still didn't answer my questions.

I haven't worked outside the home for many years and feel like she assumes I'll jump at the chance without any knowledge of the scope of the job. I know this sounds like a simple question compared to the issues usually discussed in this column, but it is extremely important to me that I preserve this friendship while not allowing what appears to be a good opportunity pass me by. What should I do next?

A: When making decisions that will affect our lives and families, no questions are simple. Often, we become so comfortable in a work situation that we fail to empathize with others who are totally unfamiliar with the circumstances in which we are so content. Your friend may see this as simply a situation where you say, "Yes, I'm interested" or "No, I'm not interested." If you decide yes, then you may be called for an interview at which time questions will be answered and you will have an opportunity to visit the area where you would be working. Your friend may not have hiring authority, but would only be recommending you to the hiring official.

The company may be interviewing several applicants or since your circumstances seem ideal for the part-time hours they are seeking, they may be waiting for you to decide if you want the job. At any rate, your next course of action is to let your friend know whether you are interested in the job. If so, ask her what you need to do next. If not, thank her for thinking of you and if you know anyone who might be interested, give her that person's name.