Thursday, August 21, 1997

When office sweethearts decide to split, women usually end up with a sour deal

By Carol Kleiman / Chicago Tribune

Letters, I get letters and faxes and phone calls and e-mail. This correspondence is edited.

Reader: I had a sexual relationship with my boss for several years. We openly lived together. It ended several years ago and I have since married, but now he is trying to get rid of me.

I've worked here a long time and am an executive, but when the boss gives staff parties, he tells me not to attend. He says my presence makes him uncomfortable. He's creating a hostile environment in order to get me to quit. Is this sexual harassment? Do I have grounds for a complaint? I can't afford a private attorney.

Comment: Your letter shows what can happen when office romances go wrong: When it's over, the person with the most power stays on the job - and it's usually the man. The other person gets to leave - and it's usually the woman. You might want to talk to a good employment attorney, regardless of cost, to see if you have grounds for a lawsuit. It's obvious you're on your way out. He wants to get rid of you and he will, if not now, then later.

A lawyer also will help you get a good exit package and reference. Call your local chapter of the American Bar Association for a recommendation.

Reader: The concept of MOMents, an informal support group of women with children, is wonderful. I would love to see something like this where I live. Working mothers need a network to share ideas. I'm a single working mother of three and plan to get information on how to start a chapter in Florida.

Comment: Good for you. Support groups prove that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. In Chicago, we call it clout.

I raised my three children alone, too, and still remember with great affection and gratitude anyone who gave me the least bit of help or advice.

What's unique about MOMents is that it meets at lunch time in downtown business areas and focuses on family responsibilities rather than career advancement.

To contact MOMents, write to its founder, Dawn Gray, at 188 W. Randolph St., Chicago, Ill. 60601. Phone: 312-759-2017.

Reader: I'm a man who spent most of my working life trying to open doors and retool some of our social structures. Women are among the "minorities" I tried to "unleash." I believe men should quit treating women as "the other sex." Give them a real shot and see what happens.

I say this to get you ready for what comes next: I think that one of the gauges of whether we have given women a fair shot or not is seeing whether they do some of the same old dumb stuff men are famous for.

I expect that when women are truly out from under the thumb, foot or other appendage of males, some may end up being just as stupid. I have said that when that happens we should celebrate, because it will mean we have made some real progress. Then we can start to deal with people as "humans" rather than as genders.

Comment: What I hope is that women, particularly managers, will do things a bit differently from the traditional male style of management and that both genders - and the workplace - will benefit.

There are strong indications from current research that women managers tend to be more encouraging, considerate and inclusive.

Your description of "equality" isn't the same as mine. Still, I can find a modicum of comfort in it when I get complaints from women who say their female bosses are tyrants, too.

My usual response has been that managers tend to replicate themselves, and that male executives often promote the women who are "just like men." I agree with you that it will be progress when we can deal with people as people. But the plethora of discrimination complaints - most of them against men - shows we're not there yet.

Reader: I know you love to hear good news and I have some for you. Not so long ago, I sent you a long complaint about being unable to escape from secretarial work in a male-dominated office, even though I'm a college-educated woman with technical writing and editing experience and was hired to write.

You told me to get out of there, and I finally did. I now have a new job as a technical writer. My direct supervisor is a woman. So is her supervisor. I stated during the interview process that I would not do clerical work, which is not included in my job description.

My advice to any woman who wants a professional career is never to say you know how to type!

Comment: You're right: I do love good news. And good for you for telling your mangers exactly what you want - and getting it. But I can't help wondering: Did you type your letter to me yourself? Oops, sorry. I forgot. You don't know how to type.