Pass that buck, please, right over here

By DONALD KAUL

Tribune Media Services, Inc.

I was walking through my friendly neighborhood library the other day when I noticed a poster on the wall. "How a bill becomes a law" read the big letters at the top of a chart purporting to show the path legislation travels on its way to enactment.

First it has to be introduced by a legislator in each house of the legislature (except in the case of Nebraska, a poor state that can only afford one house). It is then taken up by a relevant committee, at which point the chairman of the committee (always a member of the majority party) assigns it to an even more relevant subcommittee for further study and change.

The subcommittee, chaired by a senior member of the majority party, often holds hearings, listening to various interested parties argue the details of the proposed legislation. A modified bill is then passed back to the committee, which reports it to the full house, which votes on it, sometimes after attaching amendments.

Very often, in a two-house legislature, different versions of the bill will be passed by the two houses, necessitating a conference committee (made up of members of both houses) to iron out the differences. The single resulting bill goes back to the full legislature, which passes the bill (or doesn't).

The bill is then sent to the chief executive, the president in the case of the federal government, and he signs it or vetoes it. If he vetoes, the legislature gets a chance to override the president's rejection by passing the bill again, this time with a two-thirds majority.

If all that happens, the bill becomes a law; that's what the poster indicated. Which, of course, is silly. The process is much more complicated than that.

For example, a bill isn't simply introduced out of thin air. First a lobbyist has to call a legislator and say: "Senator, this is Clive Whipsnave at the Widget Manufacturers Association. We met at the plant gate of the International Widget Corp. in your hometown last election. Well, the industry is under pressure from foreign competition and we need your help in passing a Widget Protection Act."

"That sounds doable," says the senator. "Perhaps we can talk about it at my sunrise fund-raiser tomorrow morning."

"Your fund-raiser is my fund-raiser," says the lobbyist. So they meet the next day, the lobbyist gives the senator a check, along with a bill he's written. The following day the senator introduces the bill.

When it goes to a committee, the lobbyist calls the chairman to suggest an appropriate subcommittee assignment. "Why don't we discuss it at my vespers fund-raiser tomorrow?" the chairman says.

"No place I'd rather be," says the lobbyist.

So the lobbyist prays with the senator, gives him a check and gets the bill assigned to a sympathetic subcommittee. He calls the subcommittee chairman, who says: "Did you see that the governor of my state is going to run against me in the next election? I'm going to have to raise a minimum of $6 million to hold him off. How do people expect me to concentrate on legislation when I've got money problems like that to worry about?"

"The check is in the mail," the lobbyist says.

During the subsequent hearings, several other senators are similarly distracted and the lobbyist has to calm their fears with more checks. The bill is reported out of committee and, after more fund-raisers, more checks, it's passed.

At which point the lobbyist is invited to the White House for a cup of coffee. He has a wonderful time. He meets interesting people, including the vice president, and at no time is he asked about his widget legislation. Still, when he goes home he is feeling so warmly toward the president, he writes a big check to the president's party and includes it with his thank-you note.

The president signs the bill and it becomes law, hailed by the Wall Street Journal as a piece of historic legislation that marks its sponsor as an industrial statesman. Everybody is re-elected, the lobbyist gets a raise and they live happily ever after, or until the next election, whichever comes first.

Put that on a library wall, why don't you?