Problem next door just getting closer

By Mike Royko

"I got a problem with some new neighbors," Slats Grobnik said, "and I want to be a nice guy. But they're starting to bug me."

What is it, barking dog, noisy kids, domestic fights?

"Nothing that simple. No, some weird stuff is going on."

Such as?

"Strangers in cars pull up at all different hours and they go to the front door and ring the bell. They hand over money and somebody inside gives them a little bag and they take off."

Can you see what it is?

"Nah, but I figure it ain't garden seeds."

No pictures of flowers or vegetables on the bags, huh?

"Right."

Have you gone to them and inquired as to what they are up to?

"I like to be neighborly so I don't stick my nose in somebody else's business. But then a stranger comes to my door, rings the bell, and I open it and he hands me a wad of cash. I said: 'Awright, buddy. What's your name and what'ya want?' Then his eyes bug out and he yells, 'Narc, narc,' and falls down the porch steps and crawls to his car and peels out of the neighborhood."

Odd behavior.

"I thought so. Then a few minutes later, this guy from next door shows up and asks me if I had an unexpected visitor. I tell him what happened and show him the money. He grabs it and says: 'Yeah, that's for me, the guy had the wrong house. If that happens again, send 'em next door to my place, OK?' "

Did you ask him what was going on?

"Yeah, and he looks indignant and says: 'Hey, did you ever hear that a man's home is his castle?' I said, yeah, and he says: 'So you're asking me what's going on in my castle? Do I ask you what you do in your castle?' I had to admit that he hadn't. Of course, I never met the guy before. Then I said I thought he was selling something and I asked him what it was."

Ah-hah! And what did he say?

"He says, 'Oh, you wanna know what I'm selling from my castle? OK, I'll be neighborly and tell you. Homemade Girl Scout cookies.' So I says, great, I like cookies, I'll buy some. But he says: 'Sorry, we're fresh out and my wife ain't baked any yet. I'll put you on our list and letcha know.' "

Makes sense.

"That's what I thought. But then I hear car doors at 3 o'clock in the morning. I look out the window and there's people going to their door again. Hey, nobody buys Girl Scout cookies at 3 a.m."

Very astute.

"In the morning, I see the landlord come to the building. I wait on my porch until he comes out. I tell him what I seen and ask what's going on. He gets huffy and says: 'These are nice people; they pay their rent on time and in cash. So what's with you? You some kind of bigot? Yeah, that's it. You don't like having a Jambonian family living next door. You don't think I should rent to Jambonians, huh? I ought to report you as one of those hate crime guys.' So I says, 'I didn't even know they was Jambonians.' "

Yes, Jambonians and Arvonians all tend to all look alike.

"So the tenant comes out of the house, and he gets huffy and says: 'I overheard that and I resent it. So you are bigoted against us Jambonians, huh?' I said: 'Hey, forget it. I didn't know you were Jambonians and who cares? I happen to admire the Jambonians. Hard-working people, great music. Some of my best friends would be Jambonians, if I knew any.'

"So he smiles and says: 'You like Jambonians, huh?' I says, 'Sure, proud to have you as a neighbor, neighbor.' So he says: 'That's great. You got a finished basement?' I says: 'Sure, did all the work myself.' He says: 'Good because I got relatives visiting and we're cramped for space, so how about if they stay in your basement for a day or two, neighbor? So he gives me a handshake and runs into his flat and comes back with a family of six. He takes 'em into my house and down into the basement. Then he says: 'Thanks, neighbor. By the way, my wife is busy making Girl Scout cookies, so I'd appreciate it if you can fix my relatives some lunch and dinner. Nothing fancy. We got simple tastes.' "

So they moved? How long have they been in your basement?

"A week, except they're not in the basement anymore. They moved up to the extra bedrooms and cook in the kitchen and watch TV in the parlor, except when they're next door helping sell cookies."

Well, how long are you going to tolerate this?

"I dunno. I asked them to move out yesterday, then some people showed up and said they were from the Jambonian Defense Committee and asked if I want to deal with a federal lawsuit."

What are you going to do?

"I'll think of something. Hey, let's talk about this later. I'm gonna ask the bartender to put on C-SPAN."

Why?

"Congress is still debating whether we should certify Mexico as a partner in the war on drugs. Fascinating issue."

Chicago Tribune