Saturday, May 31, 1997

Avoid judgment but speak up when someone is doing something wrong

By Joy Thompson

Knight-Ridder Newspapers

LONG BEACH, Calif. - While doing research for an editorial earlier this week, something a drug counselor said stuck in my mind.

Peter Hall, who works with the Long Beach Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Program, was talking about the problem of drug addiction among teen-agers. He pointed out that young people experiment with drugs because of peer pressure, but they keep using drugs to fill a void or need or deal with problems. Getting help involves finding a place where they can deal with the problems that cause them to take drugs, a place that is safe, nurturing and protective, he said.

In other words, they need a place where they don't feel judged. At some point in our lives I believe we all need such a place.

People are quick to point out that the Bible says not to judge others. Too quick, I think. It seems as if that quote in the Jesus' "Sermon on the Mount" is the only part of the Bible they have committed to memory. They think "not judging" is the same as never pointing out that someone's actions or attitudes are wrong. If that were so, Jesus would be on record as a hypocrite. Throughout his life, as recorded in the Gospels, Jesus pointed out the sins and failings in others. So did the Apostles and early leaders of the Christian church. They did so not because they were perfect and wanted to seem superior to others. They did so because they cared. That, in my opinion, is not judgment. It's love.

At the same time, the Bible encourages people to speak the truth in love. Love is the difference between a truly concerned person and a self-righteous person. It's all in a person's attitude. Even I have a hard to listening to people who are harsh, insensitive and arrogant. I have a hard time valuing their input, even if they are right.

It's not as if I want people to commend everything I do. In fact, I am suspicious of people who seem too eager to flatter and please. As Proverbs 27:6 states, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" (NIV). "Friend" is the key word here. True friends care enough to tell a person the truth. But first and foremost, they care.

Take the example of teen-agers who abuse drugs. Everyone knows that using drugs is wrong. It is illegal. And since drug abuse harms the body, many of us also consider it immoral. Well, teen-agers also know this, Hall pointed out. So hammering them about this fact won't necessarily make them quit. Using drugs may be the teen-ager's way of coping with deeper problems, be it abuse, neglect or some sort of emotional, perhaps even physical trauma. That teen-ager needs help not condemnation. Too often, we are quick to dismiss a person in our minds without listening first.

The motivations for drug abuse should not be used as excuses. But they should help us understand the problem. Understanding is the platform from which trust is built and true healing can begin. And that is why it is important for drug abusers to get counseling and/or join a support group. Support groups can provide those nurturing safe places where a troubled person can find help.

Ranting and raving and telling someone how bad he or she is helps no one. It merely raises the blood pressure of the accuser and hardens the heart and mind of the accused. I know. When I was young, my grandfather communicated with me primarily by yelling and telling me how dumb I was. I later rebelled. The only thing I really learned from him was how to be tough and take criticism, at least on the outside. It took years of Bible study and counseling through my church to learn how to deal with the hatred within me. My relationship with God has become my safe place.

That is why I have little respect for people who rant about "those horrible and evil people." They fail to see that "those people" have names, faces and life stories. They fail to see themselves in "those people." We all need to feel that we can speak and be heard without being despised. If you really want to help someone, you will show them such grace.

(Joy Thompson is an editorial writer for the Long Beach Press-Telegram. You can write to her at 604 Pine Ave., Long Beach, Calif. 90844.)

(c) 1997, Press-Telegram (Long Beach, Calif.).

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