Saturday, June 14, 1997

Bad fathers aren't the norm

By Joy Thompson / Knight-Ridder Newspapers

Given that Sunday is Father's Day, I thought it only appropriate to mention that the 1996 Pulitzer Prize for journalism was awarded for a story about a father. Baltimore Sun reporter Lisa Pollak wrote a touching piece about John Hirschbeck, the umpire who was catapulted to the media spotlight by an unfortunate incident.

A baseball player, angered by a call, spit in Hirschbeck's face last year. Baltimore Oriole Roberto Alomar then defended the reprehensible act before the media by implying that the umpire's judgment had been impaired by the recent death of his son and the serious illness plaguing his remaining son. In my opinion, Alomar's act before the media was even more offensive than the first one. Pollak did an excellent job of sensitively chronicling the story of how Hirschbeck, a good, loving father truly dealt with the death of one son and the possibility of losing another to the same rare disease. Hirschbeck stands out as an extremely admirable man. The article was much deserving of a Pulitzer.

In recent years, it seems that fathers in general have been given a bad rap. The news is full of stories of deadbeat dads who refuse to pay child support; abusive dads who mistreat their children; absentee dads who abandon their children; neglectful dads who are cold and uncaring. The concept of a nurturing father almost seems like a myth.

While some fathers have definitely earned their poor reputations, many represent fine examples. As a Christian, I believe good fathers can even reveal the goodness of God, father of the universe. I believe this even though the father I had growing up was not the best, and the father I am getting to know as an adult was absent during my formative years.

One of the best definitions of a father I've seen was penned by Larry Crabb Jr. and Lawrence Crabb Sr., a father-and-son team who wrote the book, "God of My Father" (Zondervan Publishing House, 1994). Here is an excerpt from that definition:

"A father is someone who occasionally turns around and looks on his children following behind with a compassion that leaves no doubt he understands and cares what life is like for them. He understands because he has taken the time to listen to them and because he hasn't forgotten his own history ... A father is someone who turns again to face ahead, away from his children, and continues his journey, never giving help that would allow his children to succeed easily - and thereby weaken their character. By living for something more important than his children, a father gives them the most precious gift any father can give - the gift of transcendence. His on-going involvement with them keeps them from feeling abandoned and worthless. His passion for God keeps them from thinking they are the center of life. Instead, they are drawn to join him in pressing on toward the highest goal."

Sound like an impossible job description? Not really. Larry Crabb Jr. has such a father. He and his father wrote their book not to boast, but to inspire other fathers and their children. Lawrence Crabb Sr. sent me a copy of the book a couple of years ago, and it has inspired me.

My grandfather died several years ago. He, along with my grandmother, reared me. It was not exactly a happy childhood, as he could be harsh with me. He never hurt me physically, but the emotional scars are deep. He made it clear that I was not liked.

Much later, after my grandfather's death, my real father found me. In the course of a week, I learned, for the first time in my life, his name, life story and reasons for leaving my pregnant mother. It was overwhelming. Since then, my father has gone out of his way to assure me that he likes me very much, and he treats me like a daughter.

In the meantime, I believe God has always been my surrogate father, the kind of parent described in the Crabbs' book. I feel that through various events in my life - good and bad - God has protected me, guided me and continually sought my trust. That is why I can celebrate Father's Day without bitterness or regret.

All of us may not be able to pull out warm, fuzzy stories about our earthly fathers. But we shouldn't allow ourselves to believe that the bad fathers are the norm. The many good examples of fatherhood out there make Father's Day a celebration of hope.

(Joy Thompson is an editorial writer for the Long Beach Press-Telegram. You can write to her at 604 Pine Ave., Long Beach, Calif. 90844.)