Saturday, June 21, 1997

Adultery violates basic trust

By Joy Thompson / Knight-Ridder Newspapers

Why should I care if someone cheats on his or her spouse?

Everybody does it. Adultery can be a healthy way of dealing with stress in a marriage. Having a lover or two on the side can even make married life more exciting.

At least's that's what the experts in the magazines tell me.

I'm sorry, readers. Try as I might, I cannot convince myself that marital unfaithfulness is a good and healthy thing for a relationship. Nor am I convinced that a casual fling here and there is truly an insignificant thing, regardless of what "the experts" say. Cheating is cheating. And a broken promise hurts.

I believe adultery is wrong because the Bible says it's wrong. Regardless of what the experts say, I'm a Christian who prefers to accept God's opinion above any human's opinion. However, I also realize that not everyone shares my belief or value system. Nor do all people view their value systems as something that should be practiced seriously in their own lives.

But value systems aside, I still believe adultery is wrong because it violates one of the basic tenets of human relationships: Trust. The recent public disclosures of the number of adulteries by public figures and the seeming blase reaction to them by the public is evidence to me how severely trust has been eroded in society.

Some say the sin of adultery got Lt. Kelly Flinn, the nation's first female B-52 bomber, kicked out of the Air Force. People also maintain that similar indiscretions by Gen. Joseph Ralston torpedoed his shot as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

I believe, instead, that these two people were ultimately brought down by the sin of politics, not some kind of military moral code. As nationally syndicated columnist Thomas Sowell recently pointed out, if we were to discharge every serviceman for violating moral codes, we would just as soon disband every branch of the armed services. And to expand on that point, if we were to try to defrock or prosecute every leader in this nation who was involved in some sort of moral indiscretion - adultery, soliciting a prostitute, sexual harassment, etc. - this country would be left leaderless. It's the sad truth, but truth nevertheless.

So why get so hot and bothered about adultery? Sex between consensual adults should be left as a matter between consensual adults, right? I'd agree if it were really that simple. But adultery is quite complicated. It often involves lies and deception, a numbing of the conscience and hardening of the heart. Then there are the sexual health and pregnancy risks, and the potential to hurt several people, including the unfaithful's spouse and children.

Whether it is revealed or kept secret, adultery violates a vow; it's a violation of trust between two people. And even if a couple enters a marriage contract with "an understanding" that having lovers on the side is an OK thing - I think the experts call it having an "open" relationship - such openness does nothing to foster trust in a relationship. Nor can it build security for the children born in such a relationship.

Commitment is hard work. When you find a person who honors a commitment even when times get tough, it says a lot about their character. Honesty. Integrity. Responsibility. Employers look for such people in hiring; schools look for such students in admissions; wise men and women look for such people when considering a mate. You don't have to be a religious person to appreciate the value of those qualities.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that moral weakness in a person makes him or her incapable of handling other responsibilities, because that simply isn't true. Most people are able to separate their private and work lives. Flinn is still perfectly capable of flying a B-52. Ralston is still capable of leading his troops. Franklin D. Roosevelt was perfectly capable of leading a nation; he did it for a record 12 years. Whom a person sleeps with is a really nobody else's business. But it does have hurtful consequences. It hurts someone, even if that someone is merely the man or woman who is unable to meet his or her eyes in a mirror.

(Joy Thompson is an editorial writer and columnist for the Press-Telegram. She can be reached at (562) 499-1273.)

(c) 1997, Press-Telegram (Long Beach, Calif.).