Saturday, October 25, 1997

Three wives of Promise Keepers tell how their married life has improved

By Linda Jones

The Dallas Morning News

DALLAS - They have heard the criticism. But they don't buy it. Instead, they offer unabashed praise.

Shuvawn Sweet of Carrollton, Texas; Audrey Elliott of Arlington, Texas; and Gloria Ramos of Fort Worth, Texas, are three of thousands of women who are married to Promise Keepers, followers of the all-male Christian movement.

The women say their family life and spiritual life have improved since their husbands became part of Promise Keepers and rededicated themselves to their homes, community and church.

Their husbands reaffirmed their commitment recently at the massive national rally in Washington, D.C., and will do so again this weekend at a rally in Texas Stadium. The Dallas rally culminates the 23 conferences and rallies held around the nation this year.

The wives say they know that Promise Keepers detractors say members of this movement are not only seeking male leadership but male dominance as well. They say they realized that critics are concerned that the followers may also expect women to play submissive roles.

So far, such a scenario has not yet played out in these women's households. Nor do they expect it tobc in the future ec .

While they are not claiming perfection, the wives say their husbands' affiliation with Promise Keepers has made them more democratic and even humbler partners than they were before.

"I've been reading about all these women protesting about Promise Keepers, but they must be women whose husbands aren't in it," says Sweet.

"I have met lots of women who say to me they wish their husbands would join because they noticed the change in those who do."

Sweet is a part-time speech therapist, but spends most of her time at home caring for her two small children while her husband, Doug, works for a sales printing firm.

Before Doug Sweet got involved with Promise Keepers three years ago, Shuvawn Sweet says their 10-year marriage was in trouble. She says he was a good husband and provider but they could no longer communicate. "I was pretty sad and dead inside," she says.

Shuvawn Sweet says her faith and their children kept her from seriously considering divorce. So she had resigned herself to just going through the motions of a marriage she felt had become stagnant.

Doug Sweet admits that there was a time when he wasn't his wife's biggest fan. "In my heart, that's what I wanted to be," he says. "I just didn't know how.

"I came into a marriage without any tools in terms of how to be a good husband or how to be a good father."

Some friends had invited Sweet to a Promise Keepers conference in Boulder, Colo., where he spent several days of praying and bonding with other men and promising to model his conduct on biblical precepts.

"There was a humility and humbleness about him when he came back," says Shuvawn Sweet.

They began to communicate again. Shuvawn Sweet says her husband became more attentive, and they are no longer at odds when it comes to dealing with household responsibilities.

"For 10 years, we thought completely differently about money," she says. "Now we're on the same wavelength."

Shuvawn Sweet's husband meets regularly with other followers for fellowship and to help one another remain true to their spiritual and family commitments. They pray, discuss their problems and hold one another accountable. Some things she used to nag him about are now dealt with in some of those sessions, she says.

"It takes a lot of the pressure off of me," she says.

She says Promise Keepers hasn't turned her husband into a domineering "Neanderthal."

Doug Sweet says he doesn't even entertain the thought of expecting his wife to submit to him.

"That's arcane," he says. "That's back to the whole machismo thing that got me in the trouble in the first place. A domineering man wouldn't last an hour in our house," he says. "I've been there. That doesn't work."

Says Shuvawn Sweet: "I don't see myself as being under his thumb or submitting to his every will. He's more my partner. Now I'm excited that I'm going to grow old with this guy and it's going to be great."

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When Gloria Ramos was appointed to coordinate girls' and women's programs for her church, Templo Getsemani, she says it was at first difficult for her husband, Carlos, and other male members of the church to accept. There was a time when women of this largely Hispanic, multidenominational church in Fort Worth were not permitted to hold leadership roles in the church.

But since her husband has been involved in Promise Keepers, he and several of the other male congregants who joined are relaxing their traditional mind-sets about women's roles in the church and their own responsibilities in the home, she says.

"With the Hispanic culture and the sovereignty of this church, they (men) weren't very open to women in administrative roles at all.

"My husband understood my role, but some of the other men couldn't get used to it.

"But with the help of Promise Keepers, they began to realize that women are created equal," she says. Carlos Ramos could not be reached for comment.

Gloria Ramos has been married for 22 years and the couple has four sons. She says her husband, who joined Promise Keepers about five years ago, is more nurturing of her needs as a woman.

"My husband has decided to be a gentleman, not only a man. He goes out of his way to open the door, send me flowers. He'll even do household chores that he didn't do before.

"In no way do I feel suppressed," she says. "Instead, I feel fulfilled."

She said the women of her church were thrilled when the van load of their husbands attended the Washington rally. Some were already Promise Keepers, but several were potential followers who were skeptical about all the hooplabc was aboutec .

"They thought it was just an Anglo thing," she says. "And they didn't believe there would be that many men who were willing to humble themselves like they did." But after witnessing thousands of men of all racial backgrounds bonding and praying, the naysayers came back with a different attitude.

"All the machismo really has not carried the weight they thought it would."

X X X

When it came to child-rearing, Audrey Elliott was the parent who made the decisions. It was Audrey Elliott, not Ken, her husband of 15 years, who stayed on their two daughters to do their homework, meted out discipline and monitored their social life.

She wanted her husband to play more of a role, but instead, when he wasn't working at his auto-leasing business, he was sometimes out drinking, or "doing whatever he wanted to do."

"Ken wasn't involved and he probably didn't really even care to be," she says. "It wasn't that he was a horrible man or horrible father. There was just different things that controlled his life."

Ken Elliott acknowledges that he had other temptations.

"I come from roughly 25 years of alcohol abuse and I was very much of a 'me' person. I had given my children an absolutely zero foundation. I was a Christian, but nobody knew it."

What made him decide to recommit himself to his faith, he says, was his first interaction with Promise Keepers two years ago. An uncle invited him to a rally at Texas Stadium.

"He came back with a whole different attitude," Audrey Elliott says. "He was all hyped up. I figured it would kind of go away, but it didn't."

Now, she says, there is more balance in their family life. She says it was Ken Elliott who urged them all to become more active in the church. And he is working on helping to shape his children's lives.

"Now he's not so self-centered. He wants to be involved in the decisions about the children. We're at home together more and are doing things as a family.

"The best part for me, I guess, is having someone to share problems and decisions with and knowing that he's going to be at home."

(c) 1997, The Dallas Morning News.

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