Saturday, May 17, 1997

The need for volunteer couples

By Mike McManus

At the recent President's Summit on Voluntarism, George Gallup Jr. didn't like the organizers' idea that young people need to have access to an "ongoing relationship with a caring adult" to make it.

Rather, he said, "At a time when almost 40 percent of children are growing up in homes where their father does not live, it is vitally important for a child to have both a mother and a father."

The Summit did not mention the role of parents, and seemed to assume that if 2 million children at risk had a caring adult as a mentor, if they were given "marketable skills" and had an opportunity to serve others - those youth could be successful.

Gallup disagreed, noting that having a father and a mother is a "prerequisite to increasing their economic opportunity and to having love needed to develop an ability to give back." A child with only one parent is six times more likely to be in poverty as one with intact parents and twice as likely to be a school dropout.

Gallup said the core problem was the breakup of half of new marriages due to divorce, and he praised "the creative work" of a group my wife and I created called "Marriage Savers." We were also honored by the Summit as "one of the 50 outstanding 'Teaching Examples' in the United States" of voluntarism.

We believe there is a need for a new kind of volunteer to save marriages, and thus reduce the number of children who are at risk.

Every church has couples with strong marriages who really could be of help to other couples - but who have never been asked, inspired or trained to do so. For example, those in solid marriages can be trained to mentor couples preparing for marriage, using a premarital inventory to spark discussion. The engaged love to talk with couples whose marriages have worked. It is a joyful ministry.

Others who have suffered the pain of adultery, alcoholism or abuse, but who healed their marriage are equipped by experience to come along side those considering divorce, and help them to heal a marriage. The misery they endured can be turned into ministry.

For example, seven couples whose marriages nearly failed at St. David's Episcopal Church in Jacksonville, created a "Marriage Ministry" to help couples currently considering divorce. Father Dick McGinnis and his wife Phyllis, asked a couple who survived adultery to share the story of their recovery with couples where infidelity threatened a marriage. Other hurting couples were paired up with those who overcame bankruptcy, alcoholism or abuse. Result: 38 out of 40 marriages have been saved! (Call 904 514-4255.)

No marriages are more explosive than those with stepchildren from a previous marriage. The kids act like crowbars to break apart a couple: "You are not my mother. I'll only listen to dad." Some 65 percent end in divorce. But Roswell United Methodist near Atlanta has created a Stepfamily Support Group in which couples in truly blended families share how they have been successful. Result: 230 of 250 couples are making it. To learn more, call 770-993-6218.

The clergy of 64 cities have recognized that they have an untapped resource to save marriages in the couples in their pews. On April 3, 300 Minneapolis-St. Paul pastors from 30 denominations signed a Twin Cities Marriage Agreement to "train mature married couples to serve as mentors to those who are engaged, newlyweds or experiencing marital difficulties." They will ask for four monthsof marriage prep, with a premarital inventory and Scripture study.

In Sioux Falls, S.D. last weekend 48 clergy signed a Community Marriage Policy (CMP) asking mentoring couples to give the engaged "marriage insurance" with four to six months of meetings before the wedding and two post-marital sessions in the first year. They will also encourage all married couples to attend enriching retreats.

Modesto, Calif., pastors who were the first to sign a CMP in 1986, and have seen the divorce rate plunge 40 percent, asked my wife and I to return to kick off a second decade of effort with 80 new pastors. Peoria clergy who pushed their divorces down by 19 percent in five years, asked us to return to involve more churches.

Thus, there are two new needs for volunteers. Couples in good marriages should be asked to serve as mentor couples. And pastors should create a Community Marriage Covenants to involve many churches as "marriage savers."