Saturday, March 29, 1997

Here's a lesson on church etiquette for Easter

By TOM SCHAEFER

Knight-Ridder Newspapers

Churches will be packed Sunday as the faithful - and the not-so-faithful - show up for the biggest Christian celebration of the year.

Not the church's annual yard sale or chicken-and-noodle dinner, but Easter.

And that could spell trouble for both newcomers and longtime members. The fact is, the potential for a major faux pas is high.

Occasional or first-time attendees run the risk of standing when they should be sitting or sitting where they shouldn't be. (Head snaps are a dead giveaway.)

Regular churchgoers could put their best foot forward - right into their mouths - by saying the wrong thing to that newcomer in the back row.

And ministers may have high expectations of preaching "with the tongues of angels" but end up sounding like a "clanging cymbal."

Well, if you're one of the above, then you may need a refresher course on proper church etiquette, some guidelines on how not to intimidate the newcomer or a few tips on dealing with an Easter Sunday-type congregation that you won't see again until Christmas, at the earliest.

Obviously, the following guidelines will differ with the style and character of each congregation. But if you pay attention, they should make your Easter Sunday service experience a bit more enjoyable and less like a trip to some ecclesiastical outer darkness.

Rules for first-time visitors:

-For health-conscious folks who aren't particular about a denomination, and don't know which one to choose, you may want to consider the following:

Catholic and Episcopal churches provide a more physically challenging worship experience (genuflecting and kneeling).

Eastern Orthodox churches may be appealing to those into aromatherapy (heavy dose of incense). However, you will have to wait another month - April 27 - until their Easter celebration. (Sorry. I don't have time to explain the difference in Easter dates.)

Pentecostal churches offer a great cardiovascular workout. (Lots of hallelujahs and hand-waving.)

And Quaker churches provide the overly stressed time for quiet meditation. (This is not for the sleep-deprived, however.)

-In general, you may sit anywhere in a church. If someone glares at you, smile politely. How are you supposed to know they've been sitting in that pew for the past 780 Sundays?

-If your children have never been inside a church, remind them that if they see the pastor in clerical robes they shouldn't yell: "Hey, look! It's Jesus!"

-Try to get lots of sleep the night before. The preacher often thinks he or she should preach a sermon that covers every major doctrine of the church, or at least that covers the cultural downfall of America from the War of 1812 to the present. You are allowed to sit with a glazed expression. Nod off, however, at your own risk.

-In almost every church, a collection plate will be passed sometime during the service. You are not required to deposit anything. You also are not allowed to make change.

-Leaving before the benediction or final hymn is considered bad manners. Sitting on the aisle near the back of the church reduces the chance you'll be noticed if you decide to violate this rule.

Rules for regular churchgoers:

-If you and your family have been sitting in the same pew, Sunday after Sunday for 15 years, you are not entitled to pew-squatter's rights. Do not ask visitors who took your spot to move. Do not glare at them whenever you have an opportunity. And for heaven's sake do not mutter in a voice loud enough for them to hear: "Backsliders!"

-When an individual or couple sits in the back row and beats a hasty retreat after the last "Amen," do not chase them down in the parking lot and quiz them about their backgrounds and religious affiliation. They made their foray into the sanctuary for one Sunday; that may be enough for a while.

-The flip side of this rule is: When a visiting individual or family is hanging around after church, don't spend all your time talking to the same folks you see every Sunday. If you do, be assured that the visitors won't be back.

-If you're not sure if you're meeting a first-time visitor or a charter member who hasn't been back in years, you can try to finesse the situation by walking up and saying, "Hi, it's good to see you." If you're lucky, the one greeted will tell you he or she is visiting. Charter members, on the other hand, either should be gracious or justifiably humbled.

-Smile. At least give visitors the impression that you are happy to be there and happy to have them. They see enough sourpuss Christians the rest of the week.

Rules for ministers:

-Do not try to cover the entire history of the Bible in one sermon. Yes, it's your one shot at those who never show up on other Sundays, but an extended homily will only convince them that you are - I'm sorry, there's no kind way to say this - a windbag.

-Avoid clever remarks such as, "Gee, I haven't seen this big a crowd since our ground-breaking ceremony 25 years ago." Tacky, very tacky.

-There are diminishing returns to hymn singing: The more verses you require the congregation to sing, the fewer voices will be singing after the fourth verse.

-At the end of the service, don't make visitors stand to be recognized by the congregation. You may think it's a friendly thing to do, but visitors are usually embarrassed.

There you have it. If you follow these simple rules, you will increase the chances that you will have a spiritually enriching experience and you will avoid violating some major tenets of church etiquette.

And with that I say: Have a happy Easter! Now, where are the chocolate bunnies?

(Tom Schaefer writes about religion and ethics for the Wichita (Kan.) Eagle. Write to him at the Wichita Eagle, P.O. Box 820, Wichita, KS 67201.)