Saturday, October 11, 1997

Promise Keepers could be wonderful, but calls for male dominance are disturbing

By Lauren R. Stanley

Knight-Ridder/Tribune News Service

ALEXANDRIA, Va. - Hundreds of thousands of men came to Washington, D.C., last weekend, determined to publicly "confess their sins" and their faith.

It was an awe-inspiring event, one of the largest gatherings ever in a city renowned for its large gatherings. Reports focused on how the men prayed, wept and celebrated their faith openly.

And yet ...

And yet, somehow, behind this wonderful idea of men bonding because of their faith, there are questions.

As a Christian minister, I'm encouraged, indeed joyful, that so many men in this country are so willing to be so open in their faith. I'm delighted that men - who sociologically speaking seem to be less inclined toward bonding than women - are finding a venue that helps them bond. And I am overjoyed that these same men are speaking openly about their values, values that are centered in God.

And yet ...

As a woman, I'm ... well, I'm suspicious. I listen to the men speak about Jesus and I say, "amen." I hear the promises of more involvement in the family, more commitment at home, and again say, "amen."

It's those other things of which the men speak that worry me, that make me suspicious. The proclamations that men are to "be in charge" at home, that men are to make the decisions, that men, not women, should have the final say, are what worry me.

Promise Keepers founder Bill McCartney is firm in his belief, and proclaims it loudly, that men should be in control at home. If the husband and wife disagree, he said Sunday, the day after the massive "Stand in the Gap Sacred Assembly" on Washington's Mall, then the husband should "gently" and "sweetly" have the final say. "Gently" and "sweetly," but final.

Therein lies my hesitation, my suspicion.

Many of the men surveyed by The Washington Post said they are concerned about social changes affecting women, especially, some said, their wives. These men somehow felt that belonging to Promise Keepers would help them deal with these changed women.

But how, pray tell, are these men planning to "deal" with changed women? By dominating them? By claiming that somehow, the Scriptures say that men have the right to tell women how to live their lives?

I know the particular Scriptures that Promise Keepers quote. They are blatant: Men rule, women obey.

But they also are taken out of context. A quote that women should submit to their husbands, standing on its own, is inaccurate and unreliable. For the very next thing the Bible says, of course, is that men should love, honor and respect their wives.

The relationship between a man and a woman is not supposed to be a one-way street, with the man in charge and the woman submissive. The relationship is supposed to be mutual, one based on love, for help and comfort in prosperity and adversity. Reverence and respect for each other are the ties that bond, not domination and submission.

So when men belonging to Promise Keepers lay out their agenda, starting with their faith, I'm supportive and delighted. But when they move on to the next step, to their desire to "run" the home, and, apparently, their women, I have to say, "And yet ..."

On its face, I want to support Promise Keepers. I want men to be faith-filled, to be faithful, to put their faith first in their lives. As a Christian, and especially as a minister, I pray to be able to help all people deepen their faith and their sense of community.

But as a woman, I can't help but be worried. Do I really want a man to make my decisions for me? Do I really want a man, with whom I'm in disagreement, to "gently" and "sweetly" have the final say, simply because he's a man?

When God created humanity, God created man AND woman, not just man. Who came first is not, I'm sure, of overall importance to God. After all, it wasn't until God had created both man AND woman that God proclaimed creation "very good." (Gen. 1:31) So where, I wonder, do members of Promise Keepers get the idea that men are "gently" and "sweetly" to be in charge, and women are to be submissive?

Again, I think Promise Keepers could have a positive impact on American society. I think the group could be wonderful in helping men to bond, both to God and each other.

But even so, I can't help but say, "And yet ..."

(The Rev. Lauren R. Stanley, a former assistant news editor for the Knight-Ridder/Tribune News Service, is a deacon at the Church of the Good Shepherd in Burke, Va. Readers may write to Stanley care of Knight-Ridder/Tribune News Service, 790 National Press Building, Washington, D.C., 20045.)

Distributed by Knight-Ridder/Tribune Information Services.