By Chrys Bahll
Texas Planet metaphysick____

As I sit on my remote mountain-top consulting the stars and seeking to read the future in fish entrails, I can see that September is going to be an especially dicey month. Mercury is in retrograde, which will push all things mechanical to break down, or turn on their owners and viciously try to wrench power away from the human race, I can’t be sure which. Anyway, O Seekers of Future Knowledge, here’s what’s in store for you this month.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) — Something you did recently made your friends think of you as an infected butt pimple. Either fix the situation by apologizing or tell them all to kiss off. Either way, you’ll feel much better.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20) — Take heart. That huge investment you made in latex last year is about to pay off. Love is coming and the stars say you are waaaaaaaay overdue for a little horizontal hustle.

Aries (March 21-April 19) — Beware. Your coworkers are secretly plotting to take over your job and push you out of the company. Apparently being a shopping cart attendant has suddenly become cool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Far from being bullish, your financial outlook sucks. Sell everything you own and move to a shantytown on the outskirts of a lesser-known city in Mexico. Del Rio is nice this time of year.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) — Your social skills are hitting an all time low. Buck up and learn to be happy sitting at home watching reruns of the Golden Girls on the tube. By mid-month the sight of Blanche wearing a frilly, powder-blue muumuu may be the only thing that gets you through the night.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) — There’s a journey in store for you this month. But watch your traveling com-panion’s diet. A convenience store burrito and a six-pack get awfully volatile a couple of hours down the road.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — I’m sad to say it, but your boss is an ass and your pay sucks. Just be glad it’s not the other way around. Don’t worry about the mistakes you may make this month. In 50 years anyone who knew about them will be dead or too old to give a crap.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — The good news is that someone admires you from afar. The bad news is that it’s the CIA monitoring your every move with an intricate system of spy satellites and voyeur cams.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) — Don’t worry, that funny smell in your car will go away eventually. On an unrelated note, someone else knows your secret. They ate paste too.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov. 22) — Expect to find a large sum of money lying on the street sometime soon. Then expect a 360-pound biker named “Bubbles” to come looking for his wallet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21) — Don’t listen to what your mother told you on your first day of school. All those other people really are laughing at you, not with you. Don’t ever eat the brown ones.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan. 19) — The roller coaster ride that has been your life lately is about to slow down. Look forward to 7-10 years of relaxation, courtesy of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

That’s it for September, my little minions. Tune in next month for your Halloweeeeeen Horrorscope. I’m going back to playing computer solitaire now. We’re through here. Get out.